Some of us have attended self reflection groups, whether they be Alcoholics Anonymous, or some other group. In general, these groups are places where you can explore the underlying reasons for behaviors that may not be as healthy as they could be, or are even destructive.
Some groups decide to make so many “rules”, that in the end wind up being rules only “the insiders” are allowed to break. These aren’t healthy rules.
Instead of rules, here are a few guidelines that help to make the setting a safer place for you, and a safer place for those around you. Remember, nothing is perfect, but these are to help guide you on your path.
1. Focus on your own thoughts and feelings
The idea of this guideline is that you aren’t here to fix anyone else. You are here to understand what happened in your life. There should be a lot of “me” and “I” in your talk. This isn’t about getting sympathy because “I married a narcissist!”, this is to help you understand your own part in the dynamic.
2. No cross talk
The time you are about to spend with other people is about holding space for each other. While you are talking, others should be giving you the space to share your life — and while other people are talking, you should be giving them that same dedicated space.
If you have a phone? Turn it off or put it on airplane mode. Not just vibrate mode, but airplane mode. If you absolutely have to take a call? Then go outside before you even answer it. No one in the room should hear you say “Hello” to anyone on the phone. But the best is, turn the phone off.
3. Here to support one another, not “fix” each other
This time you are about to spend with each other, you are going to hear things that you probably know how to fix. It’s natural to want to offer solutions, especially when you feel you have helpful insights.
But this isn’t the time or place for fixing each other. Let the other person experience what they need to experience.
If after the meeting you absolutely feel compelled to tell someone how to fix themselves? Then go find a moderator for the meeting and discuss it with them instead of discussing it with the individual who has just expressed themselves.
4. Anonymity and confidentiality
You may hear things in this group that are unsettling, or that you otherwise feel a need to share. Remember, these aren’t your stories to share. If you need to share, find a moderator to share them with.
This is a core of being a “safe enough” place. As it turns out, Walt Disney was right. It is a small world after all.
You are about to hear information that is not your story, it is not your life. What is being shared about a boss or a significant other is not yours to share.
When you leave this place, leave any desire to share what you hear with anyone else.
If you feel compelled to share it with someone, to share sensitive details about someone else’s experience or discuss personal stories you’ve heard, find one of the moderators and share it with them instead.
Do not share someone else’s story with anyone outside the group. When you leave, also leave the urge to share what you’ve heard
5. Offensive & inflammatory language
One common challenge we face is expressing ourselves effectively. Often, offensive language is used to “excite the crowd” or otherwise get a rise out of others. Sometimes it is used as filler words, because people are stumped on what to say next.
If you feel an urge to fill the air with offensive language, take a breath, breathe deep, and pause. You have time to share. You can relax, and find peace, before you say your next words.
If you feel an urge to vividly describe your encounter with someone using colorful language? Relax, and pause. This isn’t about them, and it isn’t about getting a rise or an “oh my” out of the crowd. It is about understanding yourself.
6. Pass if not ready to share
This is a welcoming place for you and for others. You can feel safe to pass if you are not ready to share, or if you’d like to just be silent for the time. If there is time at the end, the moderator can come back to you.
A quiet room isn’t a problem. Stillness itself can be a sacred time.
7. Upset by meeting
If you get upset about the meeting during the meeting, for example offensive language, let it go during the meeting. It is not your place to correct anyone. If you feel upset by the meeting or what someone has said during the meeting, meet with the moderator after the meeting. Do not bring up your concerns during the meeting.
It is the responsibility of the moderator to moderate the meeting.
8. Role of the moderator
The moderator is following the same rules as everyone else, with a few additions.
- Time keeper: The moderator alone is the time keeper. No one else. If the moderator allows a person to go over for whatever reason, let the moderator control the meeting.
- Evaluating conversation: The moderator will end sidebar conversations or interject if the primary speaker is having difficulty with expressing themselves, for example if there is offensive or inflammatory language.
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