Many of us have seen the cute little sharing test videos of parents with their young child, where the young child is put to a test of what we collectively view as morality, or fairness, or socialization norms.
There might be cookies on a plate, where one of the parents have one cookie, the child has two cookies, and the other parent has no cookie.
Sometimes we are hoping the little kid will give one of their cookies to the parent with no cookie. But that doesn’t always happen.
Sometimes little kid winds up eating all three cookies, since the one parent is just staring at the cookie like a dummy, I suppose the kid is very pragmatic and thinks, what you waiting for?
Sometimes the little kid eats their two cookies, then takes the cookie from the parent with a cookie and gives that cookie to the parent without a cookie.
And yeah, sometimes the kid gives one of their cookies to the parent without a cookie.
It’s… cute.
But is it reasonable? Is it realistic?
The sharing test
One in particular really got me thinking. The parents put candy under a red solo cup, two under the child’s cup, one under one of the parent’s cups, and none under the other parent’s cup.
Then they lifted all the cups. The little kid was looking back and forth at the two parents. Finally the one parent eats their prize, leaving two in front of the little kid.
After what felt like a very long time, the little kid took one of their candies, put it on the plate of the “non winning” parent, then put the red solo cup back on the candy, and pulled it back off, revealing … a winning candy!
And it got me thinking.
From Sharing to Winning – The World We Create
That same little kid is going to wind up in a world of “haves” and “have nots”, of “winners” and “losers”. In a very big way.
We do this.
We enter our little kids into spelling bees, to be “better than the next kid” and get a trophy.
We enter beauty pageants, to show that we are prettier than the next.
We encourage our children to get good grades and “break the curve” if at all possible.
We fight for our football team to crush the other team.
We join race teams, to run faster or ride faster than the next fellow.
We race sailboats (or at least I do), and fast… real slow… all to win a cup, or sometimes it is just to win a shirt or a drink at the bar, or sometimes it is just to win bragging rights.
This world, or at least this country, is all about keeping up with the Joneses, whoever they are.
Hard earned Halloween
So, I ask, what’s with the stupid little cookie game we play with our children? Because we only do that before they experience the world.
But truly, there is a nuance, a dichotomy in this world where both Competition and Collaboration can exist. Sometimes competition may lead to an even more satisfying solution.
And now, to think, are you going to share your hard earned Halloween candy with your neighbor?
Today I joined the church I’ve been attending for about a year, the United Church of Christ.
One of the cornerstones that resonates so fully with me is the belief that everyone has a seat at God’s table, that we are here in this world to radically love others just as Jesus did for us, and that I can trust God to let the Holy Spirit work in each person’s life in the ways that are needed.
It is liberating to know that God is love, that my responsibility is to welcome and include others (the radically hard part is including those I might not like), and that God will take care of the rest.
The Internet is vast. To those I know in real life, and to those I haven’t yet met, thank you, each of you, for including me in your life. The way I see it is that you are each a living testimony of Jesus Christ on this earth.
I’ve done pretty well for myself. I have enough and I’m not hungry. I can buy everything that I need, and a lot of what I want. I have a decent credit score and adequate credit card liquidity. I’m doing okay. Sure, I’m not doing as well as Elon Musk, but I’m doing well for myself.
Growing up
“Put money in thy purse” — Shakespeare, Othello, Act 1, Scene 3
Emotionally, however, I did not come from a place of abundance. I grew up feeling a “perceived scarcity” lifestyle. I learned that money was “scarce”.
I don’t want to make it sound too gloomy. I always had clean clothes, we never went hungry, I had a motorcycle, we went on fishing trips, my dad loved ice cream so trips to Carvel were common, annual trips to theme parks like Disney and Six Gun Territory (in Ocala). So it wasn’t like I didn’t have stuff or lived in a cave. Living in true scarcity is much different than living in the perceived scarcity that I experienced, and I am in no way discounting those who live in real scarcity.
So why did I feel that scarcity growing up? That my mom was a German immigrant who grew up during the rations of WWII could have contributed to it. Another part of it might have been that my parents both grew up during the global great depression. I am sure it was much more complex than that.
This perceived scarcity formed most of my childhood. If I wanted to go out for band or an extracurricular activity — why would you want to do that when you can just make your own instrument for less money? If I wanted to join a club — why would you want to pay someone to join their club? If I want to go out to dinner — why pay for something you can do yourself, just make a sandwich.
The impact here was simple: If I wanted something, it was generally responded with something that felt like, “Why would you waste your money on that?” And this impacted most of my adult life — an unbalanced, clinical, non-emotional view of money. Save save save! Do you have some? Then save more.
Charred Adult Life
“Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, But not expressed in fancy; rich, not gaudy, For the apparel oft proclaims the man, And they in France of the best rank and station Are of a most select and generous chief in that.” — Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 3
Through the years, this has affected many parts of my life. I drove an old, albeit reliable, car for a very, very long time. Why? Because why buy a new car when my old car works perfectly. Well, I’ll tell you why to buy a new car. As Shakespeare opines, the wrappings proclaim the man.
It turns out most folks aren’t interested in whether you can afford life, what your credit score is, or what you have in the bank. Most folks are interested in what you are showing off today. Whether it be living beyond your purse — or living within it — is irrelevant. Show me.
So even today, I’m working through my issues with money and perceived scarcity, and working to better make the costs of my habits match what my purse can buy, instead of living in scarcity.
Along my travels, here’s something that happened to me while dating. For me, it opened a mother lode of childhood memories — some of them related to getting through my issues with money.
The Start of a New Beginning
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” — Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land
So I started dating this lady. You know, we start talking, we’re having fun together; things just seem… right. At some point, you start trying to figure out what a “together” might look like. Have the stars aligned? Could this actually be the one?
In this case, the girl is divorced, the ex is no longer alive, and she has three adult children. She’s completely self sufficient, provides well for herself, so it is in no way a financial support concern or anything like that. She is very well educated, better than myself in fact, and is well put together. We’ve already gotten to the point of sharing FICO scores, and each of us confirmed in the other that it is important to each of us. We haven’t shared net worth, but that to me is irrelevant –how one spends is more important than what one has.
We’ve established an emotional connection, kindred spirits, similar dispositions, growth mindsets, physical attraction, in fact all this more than a little. But there are mechanics behind a relationship, too. How would this work, a relationship with this person? There have been few times when I’ve considered finances in the equation, and fewer still where we’ve had joint accounts. So this is new to me.
What about the adult children? Now of course, one might say adult children aren’t my responsibility. And sure, from a distant, disconnected, fragmented life viewpoint, one can easily argue that this is the case. Not my responsibility.
Or is it? If one and one make one, then each of the ones include the ones who each love. To reject or sideline connection is not how I live my life, it is not how I wish to live my life, and it is not how I feel at all.
My father shared with me that love is togetherness. In this way of thinking, the four (girl, and three children) collectively come as one, they would be my responsibility, because my happiness depends on whether “my girl”, my partner, is happy, and I am pretty sure her happiness includes her children. So yeah, a family unit is a family. To enter what might feel like a run-on: The kids would be part of my family and my responsibility because I know they are her responsibility and her family. I’m sure it would make her happy to have them happy, which in turn would make me happy.
Divide By 8 – A High Stakes Gamble and I’m “All In”!
“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” — Erich Fromm
Lots of words there. To explain it simply, the moment I knew I was “all in” this relationship with this girl was when I looked at my entire bank account, my entire net worth, and divided it by 8. The two of us, each of the three kids, plus whoever they might be with at the moment (2 + 3 + 3 is 8 people total). That every family vacation was going to cost me “times 8”. That I was going to need 8 times the money of one in a partnership with her to make me happy. Or at least that was where my heart was.
I’m left with… a division of my bank to enjoy among 8 people, together. It isn’t even a “mine” and “hers” feeling, it is completely a “what we can enjoy, together”. Scarcity Times Eight? It didn’t feel like scarcity at all. It didn’t feel like giving up anything, or in any way a shortage. It felt like, happiness. It was such an unusual feeling. Just… a potential for happiness, togetherness, connectedness. This idea being together, yet without expectation. It wasn’t about money, this simple calculation wasn’t about money. It was about finding a future together, about figuring out the looks of a life together.
And that’s the moment in my life that I knew she was in my heart. When “my money” didn’t matter to me, but only mattered in the way that it might bring togetherness. That moment that the happiness of a togetherness was essential to my own? That was the moment it started making sense to me.
What’s it Gonna Take
“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” — Marcus Aurelius
So the girl and I were part of a community where most of the rest of the people didn’t know we were seeing each other. She asked me to join her at BJ’s one afternoon, a neighborhood bar and grill. After awhile of small talk I just threw it out, “what’s it gonna take”. Our connection was so natural, my delivery was so spot on, she knew what I was talking about, taking this thing we were in all the way.
My mind is racing, my heart is thumping. I’m absolutely ready for this! I’m wanting more of her, and it feels like she is ready for more too. Baby steps, but planning for a perfect future. I’m thinking what’s going to be her response? Maybe she is going to talk about being loved? Maybe she is going to talk about feeling safe? Maybe she wants to know that her partner always has her back? Maybe… maybe she just wants hugs and kisses for the rest of her life?
I didn’t know for sure what to expect. But I was curious, and I was ready. I’m thinking, maybe… maybe, this is the one. Four simple words, delivered in my style, at my speed, in all the vulnerability of my open heart, ready for more, ready to work out whatever comes next, ready for love: “what’s… it… gonna… take….”
A Giant Ring?
“Rings and jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only true gift is a portion of thyself.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Without a moment of hesitation, it didn’t even feel like a second, she was on it: A giant ring.
Maybe she had been thinking about this. Whether she was thinking about this related to me, or thinking about this related to her life?
Or maybe it was complete improv? Maybe she had just elevated herself to my most ideal improv partner? This girl of my hopes and my dreams, the girl who takes my breath away, the girl who has moved me to changes I didn’t even know were relevant and important — says her only litmus test is, “a giant ring on my finger!”
I’m like, what? A giant ring?
I totally laughed at her and said, “that’s all? That’s all you need?” I turned to my beer, and I totally laughed at her… for so many reasons. One is that I know from experience women with big rings are more likely to engage in adulterous affairs, and another, because in my heart I already gave this girl of my dreams my bank. Like, my entire bank. Asking for a ring? It felt so absurd to me.
That’s all you need? A giant ring?
After a bit I think she kind of accepted the absurdity of it all.
“People fall in love in mysterious ways, Maybe just the touch of a hand…” — Ed Sheeran, Thinking Out Loud
A few precious belly laugh moments later, she told me she thought that would stop me, that asking for a giant ring would temper my enthusiasm. It didn’t. At all.
After our laughing bliss, I shared with her about the divide by eight thing that had already happened to me.
We were both sitting at the bar with beers. At first she said — well they don’t have significant others yet. I said — but they will!
It was around that time that she leaned into me, put her arm around me, laughed, and said she better get her list together. I’m like yeah, I’m not going to marry someone who values themselves based on a ring.
And in all the words, and all the laughs, and all the touches, I am realizing, I am falling for her.
Coming out of the closet — together
“The only way to deal with this life meaningfully is to find your truth and live it.” — RuPaul
Later in the date, after devouring the moments of deep connection, she decided it was time to come out of the closet with our friends. There was an event that night, and we decided to go “together”, as a couple.
I think that was the day, the moments, that I realized I loved her. Maybe I had been living my life waiting on a girl like her, that maybe I had been created for a time like this, for a girl like her.
Her trying to provoke me into breaking up or whatever with her demand for a giant ring
Me being totally not triggered and in control, because I already had the split by 8 experience
Laughing together about it, I mean deeply laughing, together, about it
Getting through the first argument a couple has about money, golly, how wonderful was that
Getting through to her in a way that she wanted to come out of the closet with our friends, that we were in something together
Her asking me to drive us to dancing together as a couple after breaking through all this… together
Just… all of it. It was truly magical. I think that’s when I knew she was the one.
It was… it was a moment for us, our moment, for us.
Tell us more! Tell us more!
“A good story is a dream shared by the author and the reader. Anything that wakes the reader from the dream is a mortal sin.” — Stephen King
That magical evening included dancing, and drinks, and laughter, and coming out, and vulnerability, and kisses, and hugs, and more.
The evening seemed to never end. A thirteen hour date, nearly lasting until sunrise! A magical time that lingered in the air and lasted into the mystic.
Into the mystic
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” — Rumi
I know! I know! I know!
You are wondering, how big was the giant rock I bought for my pretty little girl? Did she say yes? How many flowers did I buy her for our wedding? Where did she take me for our honeymoon? Where is our beautifully landscaped home by the sea? And how have we maintained our magical journey together, how have we both remained vulnerable to each other, and vulnerable to love?
Well. None of that happened, other than in the moonlight of that magical night.
The dream of the blue turtle… didn’t happen. The girl I fell in love with that night, in those moments, as our paths intertwined, as our hands touched, as our hearts opened to the vulnerabilities of each other and even the thought of love? I never saw her again.
Not a single time.
A magical night enmeshed with the soothing fog and twilight of the morning — to never be repeated. Not one single time.
As I romanticize, the last I saw her, she was drifting off into the California sunrise somewhere towards Ventura. Or maybe it was towards the magical area known as Carmel-by-the-Sea.
Through my water colored vision, it all looked the same.
In this tapestry of vulnerability between us, in this intentional unveiling of my heart and my fears, in breaking through to some of my own childhood trauma, and — nothing.
She was gone. No explanation, no discovery, no unveiling of fears or insecurities. No… nothing. Just… gone.
Love, unconditional
“Seek not that the things which happen should happen as you wish; but wish the things which happen to be as they are, and you will have a tranquil flow of life.” — Epictetus
I suppose everyone is going through their stuff at their own time. It took me more than 50 trips around the sun to get to this part of starting to break apart my own stuff, and it isn’t coming easily. I’ve been working on this for many many years, and intensely working on an intentional life for the greater part of my last decade on this earth. So I know, for me, it isn’t easy.
The best we can find is to discover another soul, working on themselves, as deeply as we are working on ourselves, and to lower our guard enough so that they are safe to live at peace in their lives exactly where they are, how they are, with us being around.
If they get to working on their stuff? Great. If they don’t get to that point? Great. Either way, enjoy it! Enjoy the amount of love you can have. Because in this world, today is all you have. Tomorrow never comes.
In my own life? I’m learning to give love without expectation, and I’m learning to receive love without obligation.
I’m learning to love what is, and learning to accept life as it is, not as I wish it to be. I’m learning to embrace people exactly where they are, instead of wanting or needing or demanding them to change in order for me to experience happiness.
I never heard from her again, never crooned her name again. But none of that takes away from the changes in me I experienced with her. I wish her peace, if that is what she is seeking. And I wish her healing, if that is what she needs.
But mostly, I wish her love. Because love… love, is.
We’ve all been there: I make a mistake, bump into someone, or say something hurtful. The natural response? An apology. “I am sorry. Please forgive me.”
But have you ever stopped to consider whether your apology empowers the recipient, or if some apologies, under the guise of remorse (“I am sorry”) and reconciliation (“Please forgive me”), are actually a sneaky form of aggression?
We all know that “close the door”, or “turn off the lights”, or even the cute question “can you please write the report?” are directive statements. Simple English sentences are composed of “subject-verb-object” components. The subject in each of these statements is “You”, as in “YOU close the door”, and “YOU turn off the lights”, and “YOU write the report.” It is easy to see the aggression in “YOU turn off the lights!”, with the dastardly capital letters and exclamation points, while it is a little easier to deny aggression when adding a plea of “you please turn off the lights”. It is still there.
But then the discord comes. “This is how we speak in this country, in this community, in this house. I say I’m sorry, and I expect the other person to listen to me and forgive me.” How does one get beyond these aggressions and micro aggressions?
“Please Forgive Me” Speech Bubble: Highlighting the request for forgiveness without addressing the root cause.
The “Please Forgive Me” Paradox
I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, let’s move on.
Ho’oponopono
In working towards harmony, while “I am sorry” acknowledges the mistake, “please forgive me” takes a sharp turn. It subtly transforms the “I am sorry” apology into a “now it is time for you to forgive me” directive. It is all about me being forgiven. The speaker isn’t simply expressing regret; they are actively instructing the listener on how to respond – it is now time for the listener to provide forgiveness to the speaker. Yes, the phrase “provide forgiveness” was intentionally chosen over “offering forgiveness”, because “you forgive me” is directive. You forgive me. Now.
Nonviolent communication (or NVC) argues that seemingly harmless phrases that imply how someone else should act, or telling someone what to do, is aggression. This might sound extreme at first, but reconsider the common apology: “I am sorry. Please forgive me.” Are these two seemingly innocuous sentences harmless?
On the surface, the “I am sorry please forgive me” apology acknowledges wrongdoing and seeks forgiveness and reconciliation. However, “please forgive me” is directive. It places the burden on the other person to take a specific action that you want them to – forgiveness. This disregards the recipient’s emotional process. The other person might not be ready to forgive, they might need to understand why you did what you did, they may have more questions. There may be many more steps to take between “I am sorry” and the eventual “I forgive you” response from the other person. Whether forgiveness ever happens should never be an expectation of your apology. Your apology should stand alone.
Instead of manipulative directives, use “I” statements to communicate your remorse and intentions. “I am committed to doing better” or “I value our relationship” speaks volumes about your commitment to change.
By focusing on empathy and taking accountability, an environment where true forgiveness can blossom. Remember, apologies aren’t about forcing a specific response; they’re about taking ownership, and demonstrating a willingness to rebuild trust. NVC offers a framework to express our needs and concerns authentically, while inviting collaboration and empathy. This shift creates a space for genuine connection and stronger relationships.
The “please forgive me” is no different than another imploring request, “please, now it is time for you to forgive me” – these statements are both aggressive and manipulative. The request puts the burden on the other person to absolve the transgressor, regardless of whether they’re truly ready to do so. It disregards their feelings and the emotional labor required for forgiveness.
Mending fences
A Better Way to Mend Fences
“The only true apology is the one that doesn’t require forgiveness.”
Richelle E. Goodrich
A genuine apology focuses on the recipient situation, not the speaker’s need for absolution, or for “receiving forgiveness”. A sincere apology focuses on taking responsibility and making amends, not necessarily seeking forgiveness. An attitude of apology is, “I am sorry, what can I do in order to make you whole again, what can I do in order to make this relationship whole again? What can I do in order to make you feel comfortable again? What can I do in order to gain your trust again?” It is a humbling shift in mindset to place all the power into the other soul.
What are the components of an empowering apology? NVC suggests creating a restorative environment, taking ownership for your actions, expressing a willingness to make amends, and open the door for a genuine conversation towards rebuilding trust.
Understand exactly what you did: Don’t apologize until you absolutely know what you have done wrong, and you absolutely take full responsibility for what you have done. If you believe there is a shadow of joint responsibility? Then figure out what you did to contribute to that wrong, and focus your apology on what you did. Be specific. For example, “I know my words were hurtful,” or “I know that I abandoned you last night,” or “I know that I ran the red light and caused the accident.”
Validate their feelings: Acknowledge the impact your actions had on them. For instance, “My words were crass, inappropriate, and not even true,” or “I know I made you feel that this relationship is not a priority in my life,” or “I know that this accident messed up your vehicle and made you late to work.”
Take full responsibility: Don’t make excuses or downplay what happened. Own your mistake. “There’s no excuse for what I did. I was wrong.”
The power of pause: Pause. Stop. Listen. Even if the other person isn’t speaking, stop and listen. Let the other person process what is going on, and what you are saying. If you can’t figure it out for yourself what the other person needs, which you likely cannot since you’ve already made a hardship against them, allow them space to process all that is going on. This is a new situation that has arrived, for both of you. If you made it to “I am sorry”, then let the other person process that statement, because you likely argued a lot leading up to this new apology.
Offer to make amends: Accept and provide genuine willingness to repair the damage. This may involve a sincere and vulnerable conversation, a thoughtful gesture, or simply giving them space if that’s what they need. Even admitting, “I do not know how to repair what I did, how to make you whole, but I am willing to hear what you need.”
This approach focuses on the impact of our actions and avoids pressuring the other person into a specific response. It allows them the space to process their emotions and choose forgiveness when they are ready, on their timeline, not on ours.
Final thoughts
The only true apology is the one that leads to a change of behavior.
Wayne Dyer, 1940 – 2015
Forgiveness is the other person’s journey, not your journey as the wrongdoer. NVC encourages us to prioritize understanding and empathy over controlling the other person’s response.
The next time you find yourself apologizing, take a moment to reflect. Are you really sorry? Is whatever you are about to apologize for something that you take full responsibility for? Is whatever you are about to say a sincere expression of remorse, or a veiled attempt to get the other person over it, get the other person to accept you, or otherwise control the situation? By recognizing the aggression hidden within “please forgive me,” we can cultivate a world of more authentic apologies and stronger relationships.
Forecast no rain, 0.00 inches for ten days, nothing but sun.
Rain is so many things. A way of cleansing the earth, a regular bath, an awakening, a spiritual passage, a reminder of my green thumb mom who had a perfect lawn and could make everything grow – including me.
Rain is cooling, a shelter from the intensity of life, from the calamity called heat. And I feel… At another crossroads in life. At another decision point.
The rain, for me, this morning, happened at an opportune time. A reflective moment. Nothing bad, just wondering about burning the boat.
Wait. Burning boats? That sounds quite intense. Let me explain.
Onward
Bridges and enmeshments
In life, sometimes we hold on to the old as a safety to what might be to come. If we keep one foot in the old, we are safe, we can turn back if things don’t go as we hope — or don’t go as we demand.
Sometimes these bridges to the past wind up being enmeshments that need to leave our life, enmeshments with people and things that hold us back from the fullness of a future. These are the boats, the anchors, that I’m talking about burning.
Sun Tzu – burning bridges
Sun Tzu
In The Art of War (written roughly 500BC), Sun Tzu advises armies to burn their boats and destroy bridges behind them as they advance into new territory. Sun Tzu argues that soldiers without the option of retreat are more likely to succeed in their objective. Sun Tzu says, “When your army has crossed the border, you should burn your boats and bridges, in order to make it clear to everybody that you have no hankering after home”.
Julius Caesar – Burning boats
Julius Caesar
In 55 BC, Julius Caesar is said to have ordered the burning of his boats upon reaching the shoreline of Britain to show his men – and himself – that there was no turning back.
Hernán Cortés – burning ships
Hernán Cortés
Hernán Cortés “burned his ships” in 1519 upon arriving in the “New World” with 600 men, sending a clear message to his men – and to himself – that there was no turning back.
On the turning… to today
But really in life, there is no turning back. There is today. The yesterday’s of this life have been mighty fine. And today? There is today. I’m glad I’m here.
What are your bridges that hold you back, your enmeshments that keep you stuck?
The woods are lovely dark and deep
The woods are lovely dark and deep
Robert Frost reminds me this morning that the woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.
This feels… odd. Even though I’ve tried “online dating”, having a web site devoted to my search just feels… odd! But here goes.
At a good friend’s birthday party 2022
As you may have guessed by now, I like to write, and I like to share! Hence why I have web sites, and YouTube channels, and all kinds of avenues to share my writing and my thoughts. So maybe writing and sharing what I’m hoping for — and what I have to offer — is kind of “in line” with my style?
Hiking in the water falls!
Anyway, the online dating sites don’t seem to be helping me find my person. So what are my options? I was thinking a billboard. Put a stylish picture of me up on a billboard somewhere. But where is somewhere? I have my doubts that I’d pick the right city! Or for that matter, the right state. Or even the right country.
So I’m back to… let’s write! Oh golly, where to start?
I am truly looking for my person, the person I’ll spend however many more years of my life with, creating memories with, learning with, hiking with, watching Netflix with, getting old with — okay, acting young with!
The person I’ll make dinner for while I am able, and who may make dinner for me when I can’t. The person who will dance this dance called life with me. The person… my person.
Move your bodies!
I don’t know what you look like, I don’t know your name. But I hope to know you by your spirit. As the songwriter James Taylor says, I am confident I’ll know you by something in the way you move — or in the way you move me.
And I hope you will feel the same for me.
Bowling with my dad 2022
The basics! Age height weight
The easy stuff, and some semi mutable stuff. I was born in the United States fifty five years ago. That makes me… 55! I’m 6’2, around 175 pounds. Now that the basics are out of the way!
With my dad 2022
About exes – there are none in tow!
I’ve never been married, I’m not bringing any exes into this, they are gone, history. I’ve moved on as best someone can. You will not be competing with any of them. Promise!
I am looking for someone who has similar values, where exes belong in one’s history, not remaining permanent fixtures in one’s future. I’m certainly not looking for someone who is best friends with their exes. In fact, I’m looking to be someone’s best friend.
At “Jesus Christ Superstar” in Miami 2022
About vacationing with my partner – always say yes!
A few months ago I was talking with my dad after a rather interesting revelation he shared with me about love. It seems recently I had the opportunity of hearing folks saying how they vacation by themselves, and vacation with their friends, and when they have time they’ll vacation with their partner — that their thoughts are to vacation, and then to return to their partner to tell them all about the things they’ve done, without their partner.
So I told my dad about these “vacationing without one’s partner” thing. My 95 year old dad looked at me side eye and laughed a bit, and said, “Son, why would you want to go on vacation without the person you love, why wouldn’t you want to make those memories with the one you love?” The whole experience got me truly thinking about love — and writing about it.
Prioritize your partner
So today I’ll take a stand. I am not one to focus on “vacationing with my friends without my person”. I am interested in vacationing with my person — and other people are more than welcome to join us! Let’s make some memories together, here, or somewhere else.
Hiking in Fort Myers
About politics & religion – love one another
I have a heart for homeless and immigrants, and for others who are marginalized, who have no voice. For what it is worth, I spent most of my life as someone who believed “You don’t work you don’t eat”. God and circumstance changed me deeply.
Costa Rica 2021
Today my religion is that of kindness, as best as I’m able to do so. To quote Dalai Lama,
“My Religion is Kindness. This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness”.
Dalai Lama
I hope to find someone who makes me a better person tomorrow than I am today, and I hope to be that influence on you in this life, and the next.
About fitness and exercise – let’s sweat!
Being physically fit is important. I’m not a gym rat, but walking and jogging and getting outdoors is important to me.
Hanging out in downtown — wish you were here!
Let’s plan to walk or hike or jog or run a few times a week, to urban hike when we are in a new city, to hike in the mountains when we vacation (or move!) there, to find activities to get our heart rate up! Time to adventure!
Swinging my life away in Asheville North Carolina
About monogamy – I am
I am interested in a monogamous long term relationship.
In case you are wondering, I have not “tried” polyamory, and I’m not really interested in doing so. I would prefer to send my affections to a single person, and receive them from a single person.
We only have fifty years left, I’m not really interested in diluting it.
Parks and recreations in 2022
About smarts and education – not sure it is important
Education is cool! Caring for homeless and immigrants is “cooler still”. For me, I have a master’s degree in computer engineering, with a thesis targeting artificial intelligence. How does it help me with my mission of kindness? Well, I’m not sure it does. It does reflect on how my mind works though. And I suppose it is a reminder of who I was, when I was.
Hanging n my hammock after an enjoyable canoe trip 2022
About looks – a tough one
Okay, a tough one. You must be good looking. Why? Because one or the other of us has to be better looking, and I pick you.
Key Largo dinner 2022
About emotional availability – a difficult one
I am emotionally willing to admit that I’m working on myself, and hope that my person will help me be a better person tomorrow than the person I am today. I hope you feel the same!
Going to dinner with some friends 2022
About money – the love of money
They say money problems cause a lot of divorce and destruction in relationships. I think it is true. It isn’t only about “having it” or “not having it” though. I understand a lot of arguments deal with style of spending and what one finds important — or not important. It turns out a lot goes into money, and deciding how to spend it.
On the basics of money, I have no debt, I take care of my finances. My unwritten budget is made easier by having a reasonable income. I’d appreciate someone who manages their finances well.
This life, this world, is made more difficult for folks who do not have a lot. I’ve done okay for myself, in part because I was fortunate enough to be in a field that pays well enough. For what it is “worth”, I really don’t like that I love money, and I’m sure god don’t own a car.
That all said, I have found that I appreciate glamorous vacations. I also appreciate low cost vacations. I also appreciate staycations. One conclusion I have made is it is more about “who I am with” rather than “where I am at”.
Publix donuts yum!
About location – flexibility!
I currently live in South Florida, but most importantly I am relocatable! I would prefer my next move to either be with my person, or for my person! All things are negotiable.
Dinner with my dad 2022
La vie dansante – the dancing life
The dancing life — dance this metaphorical dance of life with me! Swing dancing, Latin dancing, a Waltz, whatever this dance looks like, I am ready, and I am willing! Following a cue from Jimmy Buffett, will you wander and follow La Vie Dansante with me?
Kayaking in the Florida Everglades 2022
About marriage – I do
Marriage. Okay. I’m going there. In my opinion, a successful dating experience will hopefully wind up as… marriage.
I know there are quite a few folks in the world who “want a companion” or “want a long term relationship” or “want a traveling companion” or whatever you want. I wish to be married one day, like with a paper and everything, and I want to work through issues in dating to wind up in a place where both of us want to be married, to each other.
Venezuelan hotdog in Miami 2023
About referrals – matchmaker, there’s a finders fee!
It has been my pleasure sharing, and thank you for reading! I truly appreciate it! That said, if you are not my person, but you are thinking hey, this fellow might be a good match for someone else, then know that there is a finders fee and reward! Reward is negotiable, and will absolutely include a trip with us somewhere!
My birthday party in Miami 2022
Thanks for sticking in here with reading my “dating bio”. If you have recommendations please send them my way! And truly, if you think you are my person, I am so very much looking forward to meeting you.
