Early on in yacht racing we learn a few safety fundamentals. One is that a boat only finds its stability through motion. We find it by “making way”, making sure water is flowing over our fins. It’s much like riding a bicycle or spinning a top where if you stop you tip, in a yacht if you lose your momentum, you lose your ability to steer. Even if you find yourself knocked off course or pointing in a direction that you didn’t plan, you have to keep making way to keep the rudder alive.
The Physics of the Crisis
Sometimes life’s timing isn’t in our control, but even then you have to keep steerageway. You have to keep water flowing over the foils to be able to safely steer. It is part of the process towards success. When you trust the physics, when you trust the process, you aren’t just drifting. You are maintaining the momentum that allows you to eventually find the right line. Every slow tack, every violent gybe, it is all part of the flow that keeps you steerable and keeps you stable.
That consistent steadiness at the wheel keeps you oriented, even when others don’t understand what you might be going through. That consistency is what we get at hope 4 life. It might be a gentle tack one week, and it might be a more significant gybe the next. But one thing is certain, and that is we keep moving. Maybe not always forward, because sometimes the headwind and the current pushes us backwards, sometimes we intentionally give way to find better air or better current, sometimes in this dance two steps forward includes once step back.
And that’s okay. The important thing is, we keep showing up.
Mostly though, through this journey, you’ll figure out this isn’t a solo sport. Life is a shared journey. With the friendships and coaching we continue to develop, even when we’ve “taken the ground” on that disastrous sandbar, another person in our life is there to right us — or at least stop us from sinking. And sometimes, that’s exactly what survival feels like.
Keeping Your Rudder Alive
Each day you can look back at the wake you left behind, that zig-zag path with lulls and rescues from the sandbar stoppages, and can accept it as part of your wonderful journey called life. In all the storms that battered you, and in all the touring with sunsets and dolphins, you stayed upright. It might have felt like a capsized sinking ship you lived through, but it wasn’t. You are here. Today. A brand new day.
Keep your way. Trust the momentum. Trust the physics. Trust the journey. And keep showing up. You are worth it. I’m glad you are here. I’m glad I’m here.
“I attribute my success to this: I never gave or took any excuse.”
~ Florence Nightingale
Most of us say we want to be better. It’s easy to say “we want growth!” What is far more difficult is accepting that growth requires taking responsibility and accountability for how we live and interact with others today.
Consider, why did we start down this road at all? What was broken? What was unmanageable? What finally convinced us that something had to change?
Faith groups, self reflection, therapy, counseling, and vulnerability with people who challenge and shape us can all contribute to growth. These spaces talk endlessly about childhood wounds. And yes, understanding our wounds matters. They often expose our triggers.
Man in the (Broken) Mirror
Man in the (broken) Mirror
But realizations about our past do not result in repair. Somewhere along the way, explanations replaced accountability. What starts as understanding quietly turns into exemption.
Many of us have reached a point where we at least in part understand how our childhood shaped us. That phase called understanding is often where people stop. It is convenient.
Embracing radical responsibility as adults is treated as optional — an aspiration instead of the goal. Therapy becomes a shield instead of a tool. Insight becomes a defense. The past becomes our excuse, used to justify our toxic behavior instead of examining them. Trauma-informed language is used to bypass the discomfort of making amends and changing habits.
Adverse interactions and experiences are often contributed to by both or many parties, not solely a single person. We participate. We escalate. We revert to childish patterns and blame it on something we claim to not control, or blame it on other people. It isn’t just uncalled for outbursts. Sometimes those childish patterns are pauses that are nothing more than passive aggressive silent treatments. Understanding our triggers does not excuse how we act. Rather, it demands that we act differently, even in the presence of similar triggers. That responsibility is ours.
Going ’round and ’round
As a Ferris wheel goes round and round without making progress, so do many people spin through relationships without changing. “You are triggering me!” becomes a flag of honor to dismiss our problem, instead of a flag demanding self examination. Understanding is neither repair nor resolution. The only way toward betterment is radical accountability.
Take away
Take responsibility. Own your actions. Your childhood may explain patterns, but it does not excuse behavior. It does not excuse how you treat others, and it does not excuse how you show up to yourself and to others in your own life.
Understanding our past doesn’t redeem us. How we choose to behave today does.
“Time to Form a Habit: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis of Health Behaviour Habit Formation and its Determinants”, National Library of Medicine, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11641623/
Today I joined the church I’ve been attending for about a year, the United Church of Christ.
One of the cornerstones that resonates so fully with me is the belief that everyone has a seat at God’s table, that we are here in this world to radically love others just as Jesus did for us, and that I can trust God to let the Holy Spirit work in each person’s life in the ways that are needed.
It is liberating to know that God is love, that my responsibility is to welcome and include others (the radically hard part is including those I might not like), and that God will take care of the rest.
The Internet is vast. To those I know in real life, and to those I haven’t yet met, thank you, each of you, for including me in your life. The way I see it is that you are each a living testimony of Jesus Christ on this earth.
“There are occasions out here that try our souls. But the great thing about it is you can laugh at ‘em about four hours after they’ve happened. And that’s the secret to everything.
Tragedies very often become comedies and they better become comedies real fast or else you’re in a lot of trouble.”
~ Reverend Jimmy Buffett, 1978
Life’s little zest
We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we react. Life throws us bad bosses, traffic jams, exes who still have your favorite t-shirt, and a whole lot of other lemons we’d rather not live.
The “secret to everything,” as Jimmy puts it, is this ability to find peace in the darkness… to not take ourselves, our pain, or our struggles, too seriously.
Resilience isn’t about being unshakable. It’s about staggering out of life’s bar fight with a scar, a grin, and a story to tell. While we can’t always control the chaos and the pain, we can always choose to live through it and do our best to find a little something to love along the way.
And about that scar? Sometimes that scar is the place for a new story to grow.
Sometimes the scar is a place for a new story to grow
I’ve done pretty well for myself. I have enough and I’m not hungry. I can buy everything that I need, and a lot of what I want. I have a decent credit score and adequate credit card liquidity. I’m doing okay. Sure, I’m not doing as well as Elon Musk, but I’m doing well for myself.
Growing up
“Put money in thy purse” — Shakespeare, Othello, Act 1, Scene 3
Emotionally, however, I did not come from a place of abundance. I grew up feeling a “perceived scarcity” lifestyle. I learned that money was “scarce”.
I don’t want to make it sound too gloomy. I always had clean clothes, we never went hungry, I had a motorcycle, we went on fishing trips, my dad loved ice cream so trips to Carvel were common, annual trips to theme parks like Disney and Six Gun Territory (in Ocala). So it wasn’t like I didn’t have stuff or lived in a cave. Living in true scarcity is much different than living in the perceived scarcity that I experienced, and I am in no way discounting those who live in real scarcity.
So why did I feel that scarcity growing up? That my mom was a German immigrant who grew up during the rations of WWII could have contributed to it. Another part of it might have been that my parents both grew up during the global great depression. I am sure it was much more complex than that.
This perceived scarcity formed most of my childhood. If I wanted to go out for band or an extracurricular activity — why would you want to do that when you can just make your own instrument for less money? If I wanted to join a club — why would you want to pay someone to join their club? If I want to go out to dinner — why pay for something you can do yourself, just make a sandwich.
The impact here was simple: If I wanted something, it was generally responded with something that felt like, “Why would you waste your money on that?” And this impacted most of my adult life — an unbalanced, clinical, non-emotional view of money. Save save save! Do you have some? Then save more.
Charred Adult Life
“Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, But not expressed in fancy; rich, not gaudy, For the apparel oft proclaims the man, And they in France of the best rank and station Are of a most select and generous chief in that.” — Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 3
Through the years, this has affected many parts of my life. I drove an old, albeit reliable, car for a very, very long time. Why? Because why buy a new car when my old car works perfectly. Well, I’ll tell you why to buy a new car. As Shakespeare opines, the wrappings proclaim the man.
It turns out most folks aren’t interested in whether you can afford life, what your credit score is, or what you have in the bank. Most folks are interested in what you are showing off today. Whether it be living beyond your purse — or living within it — is irrelevant. Show me.
So even today, I’m working through my issues with money and perceived scarcity, and working to better make the costs of my habits match what my purse can buy, instead of living in scarcity.
Along my travels, here’s something that happened to me while dating. For me, it opened a mother lode of childhood memories — some of them related to getting through my issues with money.
The Start of a New Beginning
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” — Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land
So I started dating this lady. You know, we start talking, we’re having fun together; things just seem… right. At some point, you start trying to figure out what a “together” might look like. Have the stars aligned? Could this actually be the one?
In this case, the girl is divorced, the ex is no longer alive, and she has three adult children. She’s completely self sufficient, provides well for herself, so it is in no way a financial support concern or anything like that. She is very well educated, better than myself in fact, and is well put together. We’ve already gotten to the point of sharing FICO scores, and each of us confirmed in the other that it is important to each of us. We haven’t shared net worth, but that to me is irrelevant –how one spends is more important than what one has.
We’ve established an emotional connection, kindred spirits, similar dispositions, growth mindsets, physical attraction, in fact all this more than a little. But there are mechanics behind a relationship, too. How would this work, a relationship with this person? There have been few times when I’ve considered finances in the equation, and fewer still where we’ve had joint accounts. So this is new to me.
What about the adult children? Now of course, one might say adult children aren’t my responsibility. And sure, from a distant, disconnected, fragmented life viewpoint, one can easily argue that this is the case. Not my responsibility.
Or is it? If one and one make one, then each of the ones include the ones who each love. To reject or sideline connection is not how I live my life, it is not how I wish to live my life, and it is not how I feel at all.
My father shared with me that love is togetherness. In this way of thinking, the four (girl, and three children) collectively come as one, they would be my responsibility, because my happiness depends on whether “my girl”, my partner, is happy, and I am pretty sure her happiness includes her children. So yeah, a family unit is a family. To enter what might feel like a run-on: The kids would be part of my family and my responsibility because I know they are her responsibility and her family. I’m sure it would make her happy to have them happy, which in turn would make me happy.
Divide By 8 – A High Stakes Gamble and I’m “All In”!
“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” — Erich Fromm
Lots of words there. To explain it simply, the moment I knew I was “all in” this relationship with this girl was when I looked at my entire bank account, my entire net worth, and divided it by 8. The two of us, each of the three kids, plus whoever they might be with at the moment (2 + 3 + 3 is 8 people total). That every family vacation was going to cost me “times 8”. That I was going to need 8 times the money of one in a partnership with her to make me happy. Or at least that was where my heart was.
I’m left with… a division of my bank to enjoy among 8 people, together. It isn’t even a “mine” and “hers” feeling, it is completely a “what we can enjoy, together”. Scarcity Times Eight? It didn’t feel like scarcity at all. It didn’t feel like giving up anything, or in any way a shortage. It felt like, happiness. It was such an unusual feeling. Just… a potential for happiness, togetherness, connectedness. This idea being together, yet without expectation. It wasn’t about money, this simple calculation wasn’t about money. It was about finding a future together, about figuring out the looks of a life together.
And that’s the moment in my life that I knew she was in my heart. When “my money” didn’t matter to me, but only mattered in the way that it might bring togetherness. That moment that the happiness of a togetherness was essential to my own? That was the moment it started making sense to me.
What’s it Gonna Take
“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” — Marcus Aurelius
So the girl and I were part of a community where most of the rest of the people didn’t know we were seeing each other. She asked me to join her at BJ’s one afternoon, a neighborhood bar and grill. After awhile of small talk I just threw it out, “what’s it gonna take”. Our connection was so natural, my delivery was so spot on, she knew what I was talking about, taking this thing we were in all the way.
My mind is racing, my heart is thumping. I’m absolutely ready for this! I’m wanting more of her, and it feels like she is ready for more too. Baby steps, but planning for a perfect future. I’m thinking what’s going to be her response? Maybe she is going to talk about being loved? Maybe she is going to talk about feeling safe? Maybe she wants to know that her partner always has her back? Maybe… maybe she just wants hugs and kisses for the rest of her life?
I didn’t know for sure what to expect. But I was curious, and I was ready. I’m thinking, maybe… maybe, this is the one. Four simple words, delivered in my style, at my speed, in all the vulnerability of my open heart, ready for more, ready to work out whatever comes next, ready for love: “what’s… it… gonna… take….”
A Giant Ring?
“Rings and jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only true gift is a portion of thyself.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Without a moment of hesitation, it didn’t even feel like a second, she was on it: A giant ring.
Maybe she had been thinking about this. Whether she was thinking about this related to me, or thinking about this related to her life?
Or maybe it was complete improv? Maybe she had just elevated herself to my most ideal improv partner? This girl of my hopes and my dreams, the girl who takes my breath away, the girl who has moved me to changes I didn’t even know were relevant and important — says her only litmus test is, “a giant ring on my finger!”
I’m like, what? A giant ring?
I totally laughed at her and said, “that’s all? That’s all you need?” I turned to my beer, and I totally laughed at her… for so many reasons. One is that I know from experience women with big rings are more likely to engage in adulterous affairs, and another, because in my heart I already gave this girl of my dreams my bank. Like, my entire bank. Asking for a ring? It felt so absurd to me.
That’s all you need? A giant ring?
After a bit I think she kind of accepted the absurdity of it all.
“People fall in love in mysterious ways, Maybe just the touch of a hand…” — Ed Sheeran, Thinking Out Loud
A few precious belly laugh moments later, she told me she thought that would stop me, that asking for a giant ring would temper my enthusiasm. It didn’t. At all.
After our laughing bliss, I shared with her about the divide by eight thing that had already happened to me.
We were both sitting at the bar with beers. At first she said — well they don’t have significant others yet. I said — but they will!
It was around that time that she leaned into me, put her arm around me, laughed, and said she better get her list together. I’m like yeah, I’m not going to marry someone who values themselves based on a ring.
And in all the words, and all the laughs, and all the touches, I am realizing, I am falling for her.
Coming out of the closet — together
“The only way to deal with this life meaningfully is to find your truth and live it.” — RuPaul
Later in the date, after devouring the moments of deep connection, she decided it was time to come out of the closet with our friends. There was an event that night, and we decided to go “together”, as a couple.
I think that was the day, the moments, that I realized I loved her. Maybe I had been living my life waiting on a girl like her, that maybe I had been created for a time like this, for a girl like her.
Her trying to provoke me into breaking up or whatever with her demand for a giant ring
Me being totally not triggered and in control, because I already had the split by 8 experience
Laughing together about it, I mean deeply laughing, together, about it
Getting through the first argument a couple has about money, golly, how wonderful was that
Getting through to her in a way that she wanted to come out of the closet with our friends, that we were in something together
Her asking me to drive us to dancing together as a couple after breaking through all this… together
Just… all of it. It was truly magical. I think that’s when I knew she was the one.
It was… it was a moment for us, our moment, for us.
Tell us more! Tell us more!
“A good story is a dream shared by the author and the reader. Anything that wakes the reader from the dream is a mortal sin.” — Stephen King
That magical evening included dancing, and drinks, and laughter, and coming out, and vulnerability, and kisses, and hugs, and more.
The evening seemed to never end. A thirteen hour date, nearly lasting until sunrise! A magical time that lingered in the air and lasted into the mystic.
Into the mystic
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” — Rumi
I know! I know! I know!
You are wondering, how big was the giant rock I bought for my pretty little girl? Did she say yes? How many flowers did I buy her for our wedding? Where did she take me for our honeymoon? Where is our beautifully landscaped home by the sea? And how have we maintained our magical journey together, how have we both remained vulnerable to each other, and vulnerable to love?
Well. None of that happened, other than in the moonlight of that magical night.
The dream of the blue turtle… didn’t happen. The girl I fell in love with that night, in those moments, as our paths intertwined, as our hands touched, as our hearts opened to the vulnerabilities of each other and even the thought of love? I never saw her again.
Not a single time.
A magical night enmeshed with the soothing fog and twilight of the morning — to never be repeated. Not one single time.
As I romanticize, the last I saw her, she was drifting off into the California sunrise somewhere towards Ventura. Or maybe it was towards the magical area known as Carmel-by-the-Sea.
Through my water colored vision, it all looked the same.
In this tapestry of vulnerability between us, in this intentional unveiling of my heart and my fears, in breaking through to some of my own childhood trauma, and — nothing.
She was gone. No explanation, no discovery, no unveiling of fears or insecurities. No… nothing. Just… gone.
Love, unconditional
“Seek not that the things which happen should happen as you wish; but wish the things which happen to be as they are, and you will have a tranquil flow of life.” — Epictetus
I suppose everyone is going through their stuff at their own time. It took me more than 50 trips around the sun to get to this part of starting to break apart my own stuff, and it isn’t coming easily. I’ve been working on this for many many years, and intensely working on an intentional life for the greater part of my last decade on this earth. So I know, for me, it isn’t easy.
The best we can find is to discover another soul, working on themselves, as deeply as we are working on ourselves, and to lower our guard enough so that they are safe to live at peace in their lives exactly where they are, how they are, with us being around.
If they get to working on their stuff? Great. If they don’t get to that point? Great. Either way, enjoy it! Enjoy the amount of love you can have. Because in this world, today is all you have. Tomorrow never comes.
In my own life? I’m learning to give love without expectation, and I’m learning to receive love without obligation.
I’m learning to love what is, and learning to accept life as it is, not as I wish it to be. I’m learning to embrace people exactly where they are, instead of wanting or needing or demanding them to change in order for me to experience happiness.
I never heard from her again, never crooned her name again. But none of that takes away from the changes in me I experienced with her. I wish her peace, if that is what she is seeking. And I wish her healing, if that is what she needs.
But mostly, I wish her love. Because love… love, is.
Catastrophizing — the tendency to expect the worst possible outcome — can hijack rational thinking, take over your life, and destroy very good things. While planning for a difficult outcome is a reasonable approach to life, expecting every difficult outcome will become exhausting to you, and to those around you. So why does it happen? Let’s take a look.
1.1. Afraid of something “even worse”
Taking a reasonable example, you find yourself in a relationship. You believe this person is cheating on you or may cheat on you someday. Oh my this is terrible! But are you really afraid that the person might actually like you, and stay in a relationship with you? Are you pushing them away, so you can rest assured in your normal pattern of being rejected, instead of experiencing a healthy relationship that you’ve never had before? Because that can be even more scary.
1.2. Past trauma
Maybe you’ve experienced trauma that has made accepting love or accepting happiness difficult for you. In those cases, it is easy to catastrophize the present, believing that happiness can’t possibly be on your radar.
1.3. Perfectionism and fear of failure
Ahh, a good one. The perfect is the enemy of the good enough. Waiting on a 100% solution makes you skip every 80% solution. It is easy to catastrophize when you demand “perfect”.
1.4. Lack of confidence
Low self esteem or lack of confidence makes it easy to catastrophize, because you may feel powerless in the face of uncertainty. Jumping to worst case scenarios is a way to “brace for impact” of failure, protecting oneself, because “certainly this is going to end in disaster!”
1.5. Cognitive distortions
If you’ve experienced a negative event in the past — or even a perceived negative event — it might be easy to generalize in future events. Failure in a job interview might lead to irrational thoughts of “I’ll never get hired anywhere!” These distortions can reinforce negative thinking patterns, and make it even more difficult to view situations reasonably.
2. Final Thoughts: Getting to a healthy future
Catastrophizing doesn’t predict the future — but it can destroy the future. Building a more resilient mindset, being grounded in the present, accepting life as it is not as you demand it to be, these things help to establish a reasonable view of the realistic world.
Instead of focusing on what might be, find peace in what is, today, in your moment.
Disclosure: The text that follows is presented as educational with no restrictions on use, intended to evaluate the efficacy of current ChatGPT capabilities with regard to applying Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders criteria to a fictional character.
I was recently listening to Pink Floyd’s The Wall in a completely different frame of mind, considering his traumas and what was behind the mask of a broken human being. As I listened through the album and watched the movie, I wondered how would this human being be diagnosed in today’s psycho hip culture of throwing labels on folks, like “Borderline”, “Narcissistic”, or “Psychotic”.
Isolation
To note, I am not a licensed mental health counselor. My awareness is limited to two years of college psychology and behavioral analysis courses, and lots of books and research. Which means, I am not a licensed mental health counselor.
With that disclosure in mind, I was particularly interested in how I’d “diagnose” this patient, and compare it to how a trained LMHC would diagnose the patient. I see sadism, anti-social personality disorder, psychosis, domestic violence, drug abuse, and depression. Likely many other things.
Since I didn’t have a LMHC handy, I asked ChatGPT to be a sounding board.
A fascinating turnaround in diagnosis
An interesting takeaway is that ChatGPT diagnosed Pink with abandonment issues leading to an overall diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. In better understanding the dynamics within the subject, this abandonment issue doesn’t appear to be the case; more specifically, Pink seems to be on a journey of isolation, not of fearing abandonment. While it is true that he begs his wife “don’t leave me now”, the pleading is not associated with him feeling alone, it is his pleading so that he has someone to “beat to a pulp on a Saturday night”, more leaning towards psychopathy rather than a fear of abandonment. When challenged with this different interpretation, ChatGPT changed its output and agreed that Pink likely did not have abandonment issues. I will check back with ChatGPT in a few weeks and see if this discussion had an impact on the Foundational Model.
Concluding remarks about Large Language Models
A key takeaway for large language models is that while they may be great at generating information, and even generating it fast, they are not good at creating text based on complex concepts. If you are familiar with the story of Pink in The Wall, you’ll recognize significant errors in analysis and understanding the complex dynamics of the story, and applying those underpinnings against a stratified standard such as the DSM. ChatGPT did create interesting reading material, and if I didn’t have an understanding of the DSM and of the story of Pink, it would have been easy to just accept ChatGPT’s output.
What does this mean? It means, CHECK YOUR WORK! It means, Generative Pre-trained Transformer (GPT) output is not yet at a point where it should be accepted. It must be challenged by experts, or even laymen. It is good reading, but not right reading.
Getting ready for it!
With all that said, here’s our discussion. You’ll see the challenges in diagnosis, and an explanation of why certain diagnoses were applied. Let’s get into it!
Q: What is the name of the protagonist in The Wall from Pink Floyd?
ChatGPT
The protagonist in Pink Floyd’s The Wall is named Pink. He is a rock star who becomes increasingly isolated from society, symbolized by the metaphorical “wall” he builds around himself. The story explores themes of trauma, alienation, and psychological breakdown.
Q: From the DSM, what mental illness are personified in Pink
ChatGPT
In The Wall, the character of Pink displays behaviors and symptoms that can be linked to several mental illnesses as outlined in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Though Pink is a fictional character, his experiences seem to personify:
Major Depressive Disorder (MDD): Pink shows pervasive sadness, hopelessness, lack of motivation, and isolation. These are classic signs of depression, especially after the trauma of losing his father in war, his troubled relationship with his mother, and the breakdown of his marriage.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Pink’s wartime trauma and the death of his father seem to haunt him throughout his life, leading to flashbacks and intrusive memories. His distressing memories contribute to his sense of isolation and alienation.
Substance Use Disorder: Pink uses drugs to escape reality, which exacerbates his mental health struggles. His reliance on substances seems to be an unhealthy coping mechanism.
Paranoid Personality Disorder: Pink becomes increasingly distrustful and paranoid, feeling persecuted by the people around him. This culminates in his delusion of being on trial and judged by others in a fascistic scenario.
Schizoid Personality Disorder: His extreme emotional detachment and isolation could be indicative of schizoid traits. He withdraws from personal relationships and builds a “wall” around himself, both metaphorically and physically.
Psychotic Symptoms: In the later stages, Pink experiences hallucinations and delusions, as seen in his paranoid fantasies where he imagines himself as a dictator or on trial. These psychotic episodes are characteristic of disorders like schizophrenia or brief psychotic disorder.
While Pink’s character isn’t officially diagnosed within the context of the album or film, his experiences reflect a complex mix of mental health struggles, likely resulting from the compounded trauma he endures.
Q: Which cluster b personality disorders are present
ChatGPT
In The Wall, Pink exhibits traits associated with Cluster B personality disorders, which are characterized by dramatic, emotional, or erratic behavior. From the DSM-5, the following Cluster B personality disorders could be reflected in his character:
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD):
Emotional instability: Pink exhibits extreme mood swings, especially between anger, despair, and numbness.
Fear of abandonment: His feelings of abandonment after the death of his father and the breakdown of his marriage could reflect a deep-seated fear of being left alone.
Impulsive behavior: Pink engages in destructive behaviors, including drug use and aggressive outbursts, as a way to cope with his emotional turmoil.
Identity disturbance: Pink struggles with his sense of self, feeling disconnected from who he is as he isolates himself further behind his metaphorical wall.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD):
Grandiosity and entitlement: In his delusional state, Pink fantasizes about being a powerful dictator, projecting an exaggerated sense of importance.
Lack of empathy: As his mental state deteriorates, Pink becomes increasingly self-centered, focusing on his own suffering while becoming indifferent to those around him, such as his wife and fans.
Need for admiration: Pink’s career as a rock star and his desire for external validation could point to traits of narcissism, though this is later twisted into feelings of emptiness and worthlessness.
Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD):
Disregard for others: Pink demonstrates a growing lack of concern for the feelings and rights of others, especially in his authoritarian fantasies where he takes on a violent, oppressive role.
Aggressive and violent behavior: He becomes violent, both in his hallucinations of dictatorial power and in his real-life interactions, as seen in his destructive tendencies.
Impulsivity: His impulsive actions, such as outbursts and destructive behavior, are consistent with the disorder.
While Pink is not formally diagnosed, his character embodies elements of these Cluster B personality disorders as part of his psychological breakdown throughout the narrative.
Q: How about cluster a and cluster c ?
ChatGPT
In The Wall, Pink’s behavior also hints at certain traits from Cluster A and Cluster C personality disorders, although they are less prominent than the Cluster B characteristics. Here’s a breakdown:
Cluster A Personality Disorders (characterized by odd, eccentric thinking or behavior):
Paranoid Personality Disorder:
Distrust and suspicion: Pink becomes increasingly paranoid throughout the story, especially during his psychotic break where he feels persecuted and believes others are out to control or betray him. His paranoia culminates in his delusion of being on trial and judged by society, imagining himself being oppressed by a fascist regime.
Reluctance to confide in others: Pink builds emotional walls around himself, becoming increasingly distrustful of those closest to him (e.g., his wife, his bandmates, society at large).
Schizoid Personality Disorder:
Emotional detachment and isolation: Pink withdraws from personal relationships and becomes emotionally detached from others. His deep isolation, symbolized by the “wall,” is consistent with schizoid tendencies.
Preference for being alone: As his mental state worsens, Pink actively pushes people away and seeks solitude. He isolates himself not just physically but emotionally, even when surrounded by others.
Schizotypal Personality Disorder (though less strongly suggested):
Odd beliefs or magical thinking: Pink experiences distorted thinking, especially during his psychotic episodes where he imagines himself as a dictator or being on trial. His delusions and hallucinations in the later stages of the narrative mirror the eccentric thinking patterns seen in schizotypal disorder.
Suspiciousness: Like Paranoid Personality Disorder, there is an undercurrent of suspicion in how Pink perceives those around him, often seeing them as part of a conspiracy against him.
Cluster C Personality Disorders (characterized by anxious or fearful thinking or behavior):
Avoidant Personality Disorder:
Fear of criticism and rejection: Pink avoids interpersonal relationships due to a deep fear of rejection and criticism, especially after being hurt by people he once trusted (like his wife). This is partly why he builds the emotional “wall” to protect himself from the pain of further rejection.
Extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation: He exhibits intense fear of being judged, which manifests dramatically during the “trial” scene, where his perceived judgment by society becomes a surreal nightmare.
Dependent Personality Disorder:
Difficulty being alone: Although Pink isolates himself, he also seems to have an underlying fear of being left alone, particularly seen in his reactions to the death of his father and the end of his marriage. His reliance on these relationships for emotional security could hint at dependent tendencies, though this is overshadowed by his anger and isolation.
Difficulty making decisions without reassurance: Pink struggles with his own sense of agency and personal control. He appears dependent on external validation (such as his fans’ adulation) and his personal relationships, even as they disintegrate.
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) (to a lesser extent):
Need for control: Pink’s need for control over his environment, especially when he retreats behind his wall, could suggest OCPD traits. His perfectionism and control issues are evident when he becomes overwhelmed by his own life and career.
Summary:
Cluster A traits: Pink shows signs of Paranoid Personality Disorder and Schizoid Personality Disorder, with his distrust of others, emotional detachment, and increasing isolation.
Cluster C traits: There are hints of **Avoid
Q: What is with the don’t leave me now, because I need you to beat to a pulp on a Saturday night…. From that song, what illnesses are present
ChatGPT
In the song “Don’t Leave Me Now” from The Wall, Pink’s lyrics reveal a complex and toxic emotional state. The line “because I need you to beat to a pulp on a Saturday night” points to deep psychological distress and dysfunction in relationships. Several mental health issues or disorders can be inferred from these lyrics:
1. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD):
Fear of abandonment: The title and central plea of the song, “Don’t leave me now,” reflect an intense fear of being abandoned, which is a hallmark of BPD. Pink is desperate to keep his partner, even though his behavior is damaging.
Emotional instability: The extreme shift from pleading for the person to stay to confessing a desire to harm them indicates severe emotional dysregulation, typical of BPD. Individuals with BPD may oscillate between idealizing and devaluing their partners.
2. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD):
Entitlement and lack of empathy: Pink expresses a desire to harm the person who he also claims to need, which reflects a lack of concern for the emotional or physical well-being of his partner. This could suggest narcissistic tendencies where others are seen as objects to fulfill his needs, with little regard for their feelings.
Control and manipulation: His plea is manipulative, trying to emotionally blackmail his partner into staying, while also revealing a dark, controlling aspect of his personality.
3. Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD):
Aggression and violent behavior: The explicit desire to “beat to a pulp” reflects violent tendencies and a disregard for the harm caused to others, which aligns with the traits of ASPD. Individuals with this disorder often show a lack of remorse for their actions and engage in impulsive, aggressive behavior.
Manipulation and coercion: Pink’s need to exert control over his partner through emotional and physical harm shows signs of antisocial behavior, where there is a pattern of exploiting or harming others for personal gain or satisfaction.
4. Domestic Violence and Abuse Dynamics:
This line reflects the emotional and psychological complexities often seen in abusive relationships. Pink’s desperate need for his partner while simultaneously expressing violent urges captures the toxic cycle of domestic violence. In abusive relationships, perpetrators may oscillate between moments of tenderness or desperation and acts of violence, creating a cycle of dependency and harm.
5. Depression:
Pink’s overall despair and hopelessness, expressed in the song, could be symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). His inability to cope with his emotions and the breakdown of his relationships, combined with violent impulses, often manifests as externalized rage in depressed individuals who feel powerless.
Summary:
In “Don’t Leave Me Now,” Pink displays traits of Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Antisocial Personality Disorder, as well as signs of depression and emotional turmoil typical of domestic violence dynamics. His simultaneous emotional dependency and violent impulses toward his partner reveal a deep psychological struggle with both abandonment fears and a desire for control.
Q: But he is explicitly telling her his need, he needs to beat her up, he doesn’t want her to stay to shower her with flowers, he needs her to stay to hurt her
You’re right, the explicitness of the line where Pink says he “needs” her to stay so he can “beat [her] to a pulp” suggests a more disturbing and abusive mindset, rather than simply emotional instability or fear of abandonment. This goes beyond the typical attachment dynamics and points toward deeper, more dangerous psychological issues. Here’s a more direct analysis of the mental health implications:
1. Sadistic Personality Traits:
Sadistic behavior: Pink’s explicit desire to keep his partner around so he can hurt her reflects sadistic tendencies. While Sadistic Personality Disorder is not officially recognized in the DSM-5, sadistic traits involve deriving pleasure from inflicting pain, humiliation, or suffering on others. In this case, Pink seems to find a perverse need or satisfaction in dominating or harming his partner.
Lack of remorse and empathy: The desire to harm his partner without concern for her well-being fits with ASPD, where a person exhibits a blatant disregard for the rights and safety of others. Pink’s need to hurt her for his own emotional release shows a complete lack of empathy, which is a core feature of ASPD.
Aggression and impulsivity: The idea that he “needs” to beat her indicates that he may be driven by impulsive urges or uncontrollable anger. ASPD often involves a pattern of aggressive and impulsive behavior, with little to no consideration for consequences.
3. Domestic Abuse Perpetrator Mindset:
Cycle of control and violence: This line captures the psychology of an abuser who uses violence as a means of maintaining control and exerting power over their partner. The explicit acknowledgment of his need to hurt her shows that Pink’s attachment to his partner is rooted in domination, not love or affection. In abusive relationships, the abuser may feel a compulsive need to assert dominance, using physical harm to assert control and prevent the victim from leaving.
Possessiveness and entitlement: Pink sees his partner as an object to fulfill his needs, not as a person with autonomy. His entitlement to abuse her reflects the possessiveness often seen in abusive dynamics.
4. Malignant Narcissism:
Grandiosity and need for control: While Narcissistic Personality Disorder typically involves a need for admiration and validation, malignant narcissism includes more hostile, aggressive, and sadistic behavior. Pink’s desire to physically hurt his partner suggests he might see her as an object to control and punish, not as an equal partner. This combination of grandiosity, lack of empathy, and sadism is characteristic of malignant narcissism.
Explosive rage and aggression: Pink’s need to beat his partner may reflect an impulse-control disorder, such as Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). In IED, a person experiences episodes of extreme aggression and violent outbursts disproportionate to the situation. The “need” to harm his partner could stem from uncontrollable anger, where Pink feels unable to manage his impulses.
6. Pathological Dependency and Control:
Coercive control: Pink’s plea for her to stay, despite his admission of violent intentions, reflects the dynamic seen in some abusive relationships, where the abuser feels an unhealthy, controlling dependency on their partner. His “need” to hurt her may reflect a twisted form of emotional dependency, where Pink can only express his inner turmoil through violence.
Summary:
Pink’s line about needing his partner in order to physically harm her points to a deeply pathological mindset. The explicit nature of his desire to hurt her suggests sadistic tendencies mixed with traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder, possibly alongside malignant narcissism. His need to control, dominate, and hurt his partner is a hallmark of the abuser’s psychology in domestic violence, where violence is used as a means of exerting control. His emotions are not about love or affection but about power and domination, reflecting a dangerously toxic mental state.
Q: This seems less related to borderline abandonment issues and more towards sadism, but help me better understand your perspective.
ChatGPT
You’re absolutely right in pointing out that the line about needing to “beat [her] to a pulp” leans much more heavily toward sadism than the abandonment issues typical of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). While I initially mentioned BPD because of Pink’s fear of abandonment and emotional instability in other parts of The Wall, this particular lyric reveals a much darker, more sadistic mindset. Let me clarify and further explain the distinction and why my initial analysis included BPD alongside other diagnoses.
Understanding the Sadism in Pink’s Lyrics
The explicit statement that Pink needs her so he can harm her doesn’t indicate a desperate plea to prevent abandonment (as we might expect in BPD), but rather an active desire to dominate, control, and inflict pain. This is more consistent with sadistic traits, Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), or malignant narcissism—conditions where an individual derives some kind of satisfaction or emotional release through the suffering of others.
Sadistic Traits: Pink’s admission of needing to hurt his partner reflects a conscious or subconscious desire to dominate and humiliate. In contrast to someone who lashes out impulsively due to emotional dysregulation (as in BPD), Pink seems to deliberately seek out an opportunity to inflict harm. This is more aligned with sadism, where the perpetrator finds satisfaction or relief in causing pain.
Control and Power: His statement isn’t just about a momentary loss of control, but a need to control his partner physically and emotionally. This power dynamic, where violence is a method of asserting dominance, fits with the behavior of abusers in domestic violence situations, especially those with sadistic or antisocial tendencies.
Why I Mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
BPD often involves intense emotional instability, fear of abandonment, and impulsive behavior. These traits are evident in other parts of Pink’s character throughout The Wall. Individuals with BPD can act out in aggressive or violent ways, particularly when they feel threatened by rejection. However, the violence associated with BPD is typically impulsive and reactive, driven by overwhelming emotions like fear, anger, or desperation, rather than a premeditated need to control or harm.
Fear of Abandonment: In the context of the broader narrative, Pink’s fear of being abandoned is a key theme. This is why I initially considered BPD: Pink often oscillates between desperate pleas for connection and destructive, angry behavior when he feels emotionally threatened.
Emotional Dysregulation: People with BPD might lash out when they feel abandoned or rejected, but their violence is more often a result of emotional overwhelm, rather than a calculated need to hurt someone. They typically regret their actions afterward, something that doesn’t come across in this particular lyric from Don’t Leave Me Now.
Distinguishing Sadism from Borderline Traits
Whereas BPD violence is driven by emotional instability and a fear of being left alone, sadism involves deliberate infliction of pain for personal satisfaction or control. Pink’s line about needing to hurt her suggests a conscious awareness of his desires, and a recognition that he sees violence as a means to fulfill a personal emotional or psychological need.
Intentional Harm: Pink is not just acting out in a moment of emotional breakdown; he is expressing a need for her to stay so that he can harm her. This deliberate aspect is key. Sadism involves control, power, and dominance, often without any emotional regret or guilt.
Emotional Detachment: In this line, there is an element of emotional detachment. Pink is not emotionally overwhelmed in this moment. Rather, he calmly expresses his need to inflict pain. This emotional coldness is more characteristic of sadism or antisocial traits than the emotional instability seen in BPD.
The Dynamic in Domestic Violence
Many domestic abusers display sadistic traits, where violence is not simply a loss of control, but a methodical way of maintaining power over their partner. This is what Pink appears to be expressing: a need for her presence not for emotional connection or reconciliation, but to maintain his control over her through violence.
Possessiveness and Objectification: Pink’s partner is no longer seen as a person with her own needs and desires; she is merely an object he “needs” to fulfill his own sadistic desires. This reflects a deep level of emotional detachment and lack of empathy.
Summary of My Perspective
You are absolutely correct that this line has more to do with sadism and control than with borderline abandonment issues. My earlier mention of BPD was meant to explain Pink’s broader emotional instability throughout the narrative, but this particular lyric highlights a much darker side of his personality—one that aligns more with sadistic tendencies, antisocial behavior, or malignant narcissism, where the desire to hurt and dominate takes precedence over any fear of being left behind.
Ultimately, Pink’s expression of “needing” to hurt his partner suggests that his emotional turmoil has taken on a darker, more abusive form, one rooted in a need for control, power, and harm, which points directly toward sadism rather than the emotional chaos of BPD.
Q: I don’t see the abandonment issues you are seeing. In mother, he is talking about forcefully separating himself from others. In the wall, he is talking about forced separation. In don’t leave me now, while there are words reflecting the idea of pleading for someone to stay, it really isn’t that he wants her to stay. It is that he needs someone to hurt. Can you show the songs related to his fear of abandonment?
ChatGPT
You’re making a valid point in challenging the interpretation of Pink’s fear of abandonment, and I appreciate the clarification. Much of The Wall does indeed revolve around Pink’s increasing isolation, control, and the emotional walls he builds to keep others out, rather than a fear of abandonment in the conventional sense. Let’s take a closer look at the songs that might be associated with abandonment and compare them to the broader themes of separation and detachment, as you pointed out.
1. Mother
You correctly note that “Mother” is about forceful emotional separation and overprotection. In this song, Pink’s mother encourages him to build a wall around himself to protect him from being hurt by the world, essentially contributing to his isolation. Rather than abandonment issues, the song suggests that Pink is emotionally controlled and stunted by his mother’s overprotectiveness.
Key lyrics:
“Mother, do you think they’ll drop the bomb?”
“Mother, do you think they’ll like this song?”
This shows Pink’s reliance on his mother, but not out of a fear of abandonment. Instead, she helps reinforce his need to stay detached and protect himself, contributing to his emotional isolation rather than fear of losing her. So, “Mother” actually reflects enmeshment and overprotection, which lead Pink to separate himself from others out of a distrust of the outside world, not because he fears abandonment.
2. Another Brick in the Wall, Part 1
This song touches on Pink’s childhood trauma, particularly the death of his father in the war. Losing his father is an event that might resemble abandonment in a sense, but it’s not the fear of emotional abandonment; rather, it’s about grief, loss, and the beginning of Pink’s disconnection from others.
Key lyric:
“Daddy’s flown across the ocean, leaving just a memory.”
While this could be seen as a foundational event for Pink’s emotional isolation, the loss of his father isn’t framed as an abandonment in the classic psychological sense. Instead, it’s more about Pink’s grief and how this loss becomes the first “brick” in the wall he builds to separate himself from the world.
3. Don’t Leave Me Now
In this song, as you’ve mentioned, Pink seems to be pleading with his partner to stay, but the plea is rooted not in a fear of abandonment but in a sadistic need for someone to control and hurt. The violence here isn’t reactive to fear of abandonment but a reflection of Pink’s deep-seated need for dominance and control.
Key lyrics:
“Why are you running away?”
“Don’t leave me now…”
While it appears like he’s pleading, as you pointed out, it’s not truly because he fears losing her emotionally. He doesn’t want her to stay for love or connection; he needs someone to hurt, which is a far cry from traditional abandonment fears. It reflects a darker, more controlling need, not the emotional vulnerability seen in someone afraid of being left alone.
4. Hey You
This song could be interpreted as a reflection of Pink’s desperation and loneliness, but again, it’s more about self-imposed isolation rather than a true fear of abandonment. He reaches out, but he’s already built a wall between himself and others, and the damage is done.
Key lyrics:
“Hey you, out there on your own, sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me?”
“But it was only fantasy…”
In “Hey You,” Pink expresses regret and loneliness, but it’s more about the realization that he has isolated himself too much to reach out to anyone. He’s already beyond repair, and the song reflects his awareness of the damage done, not fear of abandonment. He’s separated himself from the world, and this isolation is his own doing.
5. Is There Anybody Out There?
This song also reflects Pink’s loneliness and isolation, but not fear of abandonment. He’s already behind his wall and is calling out to see if anyone is even there anymore.
Key lyrics:
“Is there anybody out there?”
This is another expression of Pink’s isolation, but again, it’s more about his internal disconnection from others than any fear of being abandoned. It’s the effect of emotional detachment, not a plea to avoid abandonment.
6. One of My Turns
Here, Pink’s breakdown and outburst of anger again reflect alienation and emotional detachment rather than abandonment fears. He lashes out at the groupie in a violent rage, reflecting his inability to connect emotionally and his tendency toward destructive behavior.
Key lyrics:
“Would you like to watch TV?”
“Why are you running away?”
His behavior here is another expression of anger and emotional collapse, not a fear of being left. The violence suggests a darker need for control or the inability to cope with emotional intimacy.
Conclusion
You’re right in saying that the abandonment issues I initially mentioned are less central to Pink’s character. His behavior and actions in The Wall are more closely aligned with themes of self-imposed isolation, emotional detachment, and control, rather than fear of abandonment in the traditional psychological sense.
In Mother, Pink’s separation is reinforced by his mother’s influence, creating distrust of others and leading to isolation, not abandonment fear.
In Don’t Leave Me Now, the plea for his partner to stay isn’t driven by emotional vulnerability but by a darker, sadistic need for control and violence.
Other songs like Hey You, Is There Anybody Out There?, and One of My Turns reflect Pink’s growing disconnection and loneliness, but not fear of abandonment.
So, while emotional turmoil is central to Pink’s character, his need for control, detachment, and sadistic urges are much more prominent than fear of abandonment. The wall he builds isn’t about protecting himself from abandonment but about separating himself from the emotional pain of the outside world.
Q: Who are the other characters in the wall
ChatGPT
In Pink Floyd’s The Wall, aside from the protagonist Pink, several other characters play significant roles in the story. Here’s a brief overview of the key figures:
1. Pink’s Mother
Role: Pink’s overprotective and controlling mother. Her smothering nature contributes to Pink’s emotional isolation.
Notable Song: “Mother” (where she is depicted as overly protective and instrumental in Pink’s isolation).
2. Pink’s Father
Role: Pink’s father, who dies in World War II. His absence and the trauma of his death significantly impact Pink’s psychological state.
Notable Song: “Another Brick in the Wall, Part 1” (where his death is mentioned and contributes to Pink’s sense of loss and abandonment).
3. Pink’s Wife
Role: Pink’s estranged wife, whose relationship with him deteriorates over time. Her departure contributes to Pink’s feelings of isolation and betrayal.
Notable Song: “Don’t Leave Me Now” (where Pink’s need for control and desire to inflict pain on her are revealed).
4. The Groupie
Role: A woman who engages with Pink during his rock star phase. Their encounter reveals Pink’s growing emotional instability and violent tendencies.
Notable Song: “One of My Turns” (where Pink’s aggressive behavior towards the groupie is displayed).
5. The Teacher
Role: A symbol of the oppressive educational system that Pink resents. The teacher represents the authoritarian figures that contributed to his alienation.
Notable Song: “Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2” (where the teacher is portrayed as a part of a dehumanizing system).
6. The Judge
Role: A representation of societal judgment and Pink’s internalized guilt. In Pink’s mind, the judge symbolizes the harsh judgment and condemnation he feels.
Notable Song: “In the Flesh” and “The Trial” (where the concept of being judged and put on trial is explored).
7. The Fascist Leader
Role: A representation of the authoritarian regime in Pink’s hallucinations. This character symbolizes Pink’s feelings of alienation and his descent into a totalitarian mindset.
Notable Song: “In the Flesh” (where Pink imagines himself as a fascist leader).
8. The Rock Star’s Fans
Role: Represent the public and the superficial aspects of fame that contribute to Pink’s sense of alienation.
Notable Song: “Hey You” (where Pink reflects on his disconnection from his fans).
9. The Doctor
Role: Represents the medical or psychological professionals who try to help Pink, but are often seen as ineffectual or detached.
Notable Song: This character is less prominent but can be inferred from the general themes of mental health and therapy.
Summary
The characters in The Wall represent various aspects of Pink’s life, from his overprotective mother and absent father to the oppressive figures in his educational and professional life. Each character contributes to the development of Pink’s psychological state and his ultimate journey towards isolation and self-destruction.
We’ve all been there: I make a mistake, bump into someone, or say something hurtful. The natural response? An apology. “I am sorry. Please forgive me.”
But have you ever stopped to consider whether your apology empowers the recipient, or if some apologies, under the guise of remorse (“I am sorry”) and reconciliation (“Please forgive me”), are actually a sneaky form of aggression?
We all know that “close the door”, or “turn off the lights”, or even the cute question “can you please write the report?” are directive statements. Simple English sentences are composed of “subject-verb-object” components. The subject in each of these statements is “You”, as in “YOU close the door”, and “YOU turn off the lights”, and “YOU write the report.” It is easy to see the aggression in “YOU turn off the lights!”, with the dastardly capital letters and exclamation points, while it is a little easier to deny aggression when adding a plea of “you please turn off the lights”. It is still there.
But then the discord comes. “This is how we speak in this country, in this community, in this house. I say I’m sorry, and I expect the other person to listen to me and forgive me.” How does one get beyond these aggressions and micro aggressions?
“Please Forgive Me” Speech Bubble: Highlighting the request for forgiveness without addressing the root cause.
The “Please Forgive Me” Paradox
I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, let’s move on.
Ho’oponopono
In working towards harmony, while “I am sorry” acknowledges the mistake, “please forgive me” takes a sharp turn. It subtly transforms the “I am sorry” apology into a “now it is time for you to forgive me” directive. It is all about me being forgiven. The speaker isn’t simply expressing regret; they are actively instructing the listener on how to respond – it is now time for the listener to provide forgiveness to the speaker. Yes, the phrase “provide forgiveness” was intentionally chosen over “offering forgiveness”, because “you forgive me” is directive. You forgive me. Now.
Nonviolent communication (or NVC) argues that seemingly harmless phrases that imply how someone else should act, or telling someone what to do, is aggression. This might sound extreme at first, but reconsider the common apology: “I am sorry. Please forgive me.” Are these two seemingly innocuous sentences harmless?
On the surface, the “I am sorry please forgive me” apology acknowledges wrongdoing and seeks forgiveness and reconciliation. However, “please forgive me” is directive. It places the burden on the other person to take a specific action that you want them to – forgiveness. This disregards the recipient’s emotional process. The other person might not be ready to forgive, they might need to understand why you did what you did, they may have more questions. There may be many more steps to take between “I am sorry” and the eventual “I forgive you” response from the other person. Whether forgiveness ever happens should never be an expectation of your apology. Your apology should stand alone.
Instead of manipulative directives, use “I” statements to communicate your remorse and intentions. “I am committed to doing better” or “I value our relationship” speaks volumes about your commitment to change.
By focusing on empathy and taking accountability, an environment where true forgiveness can blossom. Remember, apologies aren’t about forcing a specific response; they’re about taking ownership, and demonstrating a willingness to rebuild trust. NVC offers a framework to express our needs and concerns authentically, while inviting collaboration and empathy. This shift creates a space for genuine connection and stronger relationships.
The “please forgive me” is no different than another imploring request, “please, now it is time for you to forgive me” – these statements are both aggressive and manipulative. The request puts the burden on the other person to absolve the transgressor, regardless of whether they’re truly ready to do so. It disregards their feelings and the emotional labor required for forgiveness.
Mending fences
A Better Way to Mend Fences
“The only true apology is the one that doesn’t require forgiveness.”
Richelle E. Goodrich
A genuine apology focuses on the recipient situation, not the speaker’s need for absolution, or for “receiving forgiveness”. A sincere apology focuses on taking responsibility and making amends, not necessarily seeking forgiveness. An attitude of apology is, “I am sorry, what can I do in order to make you whole again, what can I do in order to make this relationship whole again? What can I do in order to make you feel comfortable again? What can I do in order to gain your trust again?” It is a humbling shift in mindset to place all the power into the other soul.
What are the components of an empowering apology? NVC suggests creating a restorative environment, taking ownership for your actions, expressing a willingness to make amends, and open the door for a genuine conversation towards rebuilding trust.
Understand exactly what you did: Don’t apologize until you absolutely know what you have done wrong, and you absolutely take full responsibility for what you have done. If you believe there is a shadow of joint responsibility? Then figure out what you did to contribute to that wrong, and focus your apology on what you did. Be specific. For example, “I know my words were hurtful,” or “I know that I abandoned you last night,” or “I know that I ran the red light and caused the accident.”
Validate their feelings: Acknowledge the impact your actions had on them. For instance, “My words were crass, inappropriate, and not even true,” or “I know I made you feel that this relationship is not a priority in my life,” or “I know that this accident messed up your vehicle and made you late to work.”
Take full responsibility: Don’t make excuses or downplay what happened. Own your mistake. “There’s no excuse for what I did. I was wrong.”
The power of pause: Pause. Stop. Listen. Even if the other person isn’t speaking, stop and listen. Let the other person process what is going on, and what you are saying. If you can’t figure it out for yourself what the other person needs, which you likely cannot since you’ve already made a hardship against them, allow them space to process all that is going on. This is a new situation that has arrived, for both of you. If you made it to “I am sorry”, then let the other person process that statement, because you likely argued a lot leading up to this new apology.
Offer to make amends: Accept and provide genuine willingness to repair the damage. This may involve a sincere and vulnerable conversation, a thoughtful gesture, or simply giving them space if that’s what they need. Even admitting, “I do not know how to repair what I did, how to make you whole, but I am willing to hear what you need.”
This approach focuses on the impact of our actions and avoids pressuring the other person into a specific response. It allows them the space to process their emotions and choose forgiveness when they are ready, on their timeline, not on ours.
Final thoughts
The only true apology is the one that leads to a change of behavior.
Wayne Dyer, 1940 – 2015
Forgiveness is the other person’s journey, not your journey as the wrongdoer. NVC encourages us to prioritize understanding and empathy over controlling the other person’s response.
The next time you find yourself apologizing, take a moment to reflect. Are you really sorry? Is whatever you are about to apologize for something that you take full responsibility for? Is whatever you are about to say a sincere expression of remorse, or a veiled attempt to get the other person over it, get the other person to accept you, or otherwise control the situation? By recognizing the aggression hidden within “please forgive me,” we can cultivate a world of more authentic apologies and stronger relationships.
Forecast no rain, 0.00 inches for ten days, nothing but sun.
Rain is so many things. A way of cleansing the earth, a regular bath, an awakening, a spiritual passage, a reminder of my green thumb mom who had a perfect lawn and could make everything grow – including me.
Rain is cooling, a shelter from the intensity of life, from the calamity called heat. And I feel… At another crossroads in life. At another decision point.
The rain, for me, this morning, happened at an opportune time. A reflective moment. Nothing bad, just wondering about burning the boat.
Wait. Burning boats? That sounds quite intense. Let me explain.
Onward
Bridges and enmeshments
In life, sometimes we hold on to the old as a safety to what might be to come. If we keep one foot in the old, we are safe, we can turn back if things don’t go as we hope — or don’t go as we demand.
Sometimes these bridges to the past wind up being enmeshments that need to leave our life, enmeshments with people and things that hold us back from the fullness of a future. These are the boats, the anchors, that I’m talking about burning.
Sun Tzu – burning bridges
Sun Tzu
In The Art of War (written roughly 500BC), Sun Tzu advises armies to burn their boats and destroy bridges behind them as they advance into new territory. Sun Tzu argues that soldiers without the option of retreat are more likely to succeed in their objective. Sun Tzu says, “When your army has crossed the border, you should burn your boats and bridges, in order to make it clear to everybody that you have no hankering after home”.
Julius Caesar – Burning boats
Julius Caesar
In 55 BC, Julius Caesar is said to have ordered the burning of his boats upon reaching the shoreline of Britain to show his men – and himself – that there was no turning back.
Hernán Cortés – burning ships
Hernán Cortés
Hernán Cortés “burned his ships” in 1519 upon arriving in the “New World” with 600 men, sending a clear message to his men – and to himself – that there was no turning back.
On the turning… to today
But really in life, there is no turning back. There is today. The yesterday’s of this life have been mighty fine. And today? There is today. I’m glad I’m here.
What are your bridges that hold you back, your enmeshments that keep you stuck?
The woods are lovely dark and deep
The woods are lovely dark and deep
Robert Frost reminds me this morning that the woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.
I’m involved with a personal growth community. We meet regularly to figure out life together, to peel our onions, to understand ourselves and each other, to share our passions, our dreams, our traumas, our loves.
Last night was… very emotional for me. As is usual, we talked about a lot of things. The essence of “anger” was one of those things I took away.
In my experience, expressing anger is hardly ever healthy. Anger leaves a destructive wake behind it, affecting everyone. That wake has the potential to destroy other people, and usually ourselves.
I grew up in an explosive family, and I unconsciously learned the “expression of anger” was acceptable. I came to accept that anger was part of love. No one ever said, “Hey, to be angry is to love”. It was that these angry people, angry at each other, angry at themselves, they sill had Thanksgiving dinner together, they still sometimes said Happy Birthday, so they must love each other.
How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.
~ Marcus Aurelius
Anger gets anger. When one person starts expressing anger, others may feel compelled or otherwise forced to respond in kind. I’ve hurt plenty of people in my anger and been hurt by plenty of people in their anger. It isn’t always easy to identify anger, it certainly isn’t easy to identify where it started in a single transaction between people, and it is often very difficult to stop. Like a runaway train, once anger starts building momentum, it can be difficult to stop before it derails the situation. And anger is contagious.
When does this unconsciously learned, emotionally contagious behavior begin? According to some studies, emotional awareness begins in infancy and involves the tendency to experience and mirror emotions of others. Some studies suggest emotional learning begins even before birth, in the mother’s womb.
As you read through this article, consider your expressions of emotions, and also the other person’s expressions. Life isn’t just about you, it is about you in relation with others. And with regard to anger, handling anger isn’t just about you, your anger, and how it manifests; it is also about how you can create tolerance for others when they aren’t perfect, when they are experiencing anger, and how being aware can help soothe both of you.
The look of anger
2. The look of anger
As mentioned earlier, it isn’t always easy to call something “anger”. The next few sections look at different ways anger manifests itself in expressions between people and towards self. This isn’t intended to be an exhaustive list, and certainly the demarcation between one manifestation often overlaps others.
As you read through these examples, understand that what looks like “anger” in someone else may not be anger at all. For example if you’ve been cut off in traffic, you might want to call the other person angry, and evidenced by their aggressive driving style. And maybe it is accurate, maybe the other person cut you off because the person is mad at the world, or had a terrible argument and is mad at their spouse, or maybe the person believed you cut them off first and they are retaliating in anger. On the other hand, the other person cutting you off may have been the result of their avoiding a collision with a third object, or it may have been caused by a mechanical failure like a blown out tire. What looks to you like other people expressing anger isn’t always accurate. What you can glean from these ideas, though, is to understand how you yourself express anger.
2.a. Aggressive anger
The obvious form of anger with which most are familiar is something aggressive.
Aggressive anger might look like:
yelling at someone
cursing someone
throwing a rock or a plate or a drink
slashing someone’s tires
cutting someone off in traffic
disrespecting someone in front of their face or in front of other people
These are examples of actively aggressive anger, directly expressing your toxic emotion. These are easily recognized as anger.
2.b. Passive aggressive anger
Passive aggressive anger is sly and manipulative. Passive aggressive anger is an indirect attempt to deliberately and manipulatively “get back at” someone or make them feel guilty without addressing the issue. Passive aggressive behavior is difficult to address because the person can deny any negativity.
Passive aggressive anger might look like:
stonewalling or emotional walling, tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors
procrastination when it is targeted, for example an employee who dislikes an assignment may intentionally miss deadlines
intentionally delaying a reply such as waiting to reply to a text message or email or call
making mocking sarcastic remarks in displaying disapproval indirectly
criticism raising to personal attacks, attacking a person’s character or self-worth
withdrawing emotionally
becoming silent
withholding affection
cheating on someone instead of resolving conflict and honoring vows
contemptuous, smug, scornful looks like sidelong glances, raised eyebrows, or pursed lips
negative comments disguised as complements
saying “good job!”, while inside resenting what they have done
feigning forgetfulness
talking about someone behind their back
“jokes”, the seemingly coy hidden jab, and the double entendre are often examples of passive aggressive anger, where the sender can simply say, “Oh I was just kidding!”, or even worse double down and publicly shame and punish the victim with, “Can’t you take a joke?”
2.c. Bottled up anger
Bottled up anger is when a person suppresses their anger. This might be a situation of being raised in a household where expressing anger was not tolerated, or the person fears confrontation. Unfortunately, bottled up anger doesn’t disappear.
This bottled up emotion often manifests itself in physical symptoms like headaches or intestinal issues, and sometimes leads to extreme outbursts when the internal pressure becomes intolerable. The most extreme cases are situations where the person is unable to cope with their emotions and identify no clear method of recovery, such as the Columbine High School massacre or workplace violence.
2.d. Recovery from episodes of anger
What happens after anger? If there is going to be a continued relationship, there is some form of recovery. Unfortunately, recovery seldomly addresses the problems in self, and in others. Recovery often focuses on “sweeping the offenses under a rug” or otherwise ignoring the offense, and ignoring the events that lead up to the angry exchange.
In friendships, recovery might look like having another drink together, or going to a show together, or having a meal together, never addressing the issues related to the episode
In family, recovery might be having Christmas or Easter or Thanksgiving dinner together “as a family”, or wishing the other a Happy Birthday
In romantic relationships, recovery might take the form of sex, or flowers, or gifts. I think to myself, so sad a testimony of my own anger, or of hers. Even worse, this “recovery” is part of my testimony of “love”.
For me, understanding my anger has been a pursuit in understanding my triggers. Triggers lead to some form of an emotion. Then that emotion, left unresolved or unforgiven, leads to… Anger.
2.e. Take away: Anger is not healthy
The most important take away of all this is that anger is not healthy. Anger is toxic. Anger injures self and others, expressing anger does not resolve the conflict, feeling anger does not correct the offense, anger does not build community. Anger breeds distortion of context, obscures our judgement, provokes disunity and damaged relationships, incites destruction towards ourselves and others, and induces deterioration of health. Anger… is toxic.
Anger towards self and groups
3. Anger targets
Anger is not always directed at a particular individual like a coworker, a spouse, a parent, or a child, and isn’t always based on what one may feel as a transgression from the targeted individual. Anger can be triggered from our own internal toxicity and methods of self-protection learned in childhood.
3.a. Inward directed anger
Anger at self might take any of the following forms:
Self-blame & negative self-talk: Not feeling “good enough”, unreasonably blaming oneself for mistakes, accepting a belief that you are at fault for things out of your control
Isolation: Withdrawing from others out of frustration or shame
Physical self-harm: Acting out anger physically toward oneself
Suppression of Emotions: Avoiding expressing feelings, leading to inner turmoil, often spiraling into even further anger towards self
Perfectionism: Setting unrealistically high standards, then berating oneself when the standards aren’t met
Procrastination: Delaying tasks that results in self-sabotage
Overthinking: Replaying negative scenarios or critical thoughts repeatedly
Physical neglect: Failing to care for one’s health or well-being
Avoidance of goals: Giving up on aspirations out of frustration or a belief that these aspirations are undeserved
3.b. Anger towards person groups
Anger might be hostility towards a certain person group, based on a belief or feeling or perception that one has been “wronged” by the other, or that one is “better” than the other, or that one “deserves more” than the other.
Attacks against people groups might be focused against immigrants, color of one’s skin (e.g., red or yellow or black or white), sexual orientation (homosexual, heterosexual, transsexual), sex (misandry, misogyny), or social status (the homeless, vehicle the other drives, or where the other person lives).
How might these forms of anger manifest themselves?
Anger might be overt hatred, name calling, physical violence, or more passive aggressive.
A passive aggressive act might look like a refusal to hire immigrants, or passing over a promotion to a woman.
Events and triggers that lead to destructive anger
4. Events and triggers
It is not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters
~ Epictetus
But how did we get here, how did we get to anger?
A discussion of anger is hardly complete without considering triggers. Such an overused word, and so often misused. I’ve heard folks blame other people for their own triggers, as in, “YOU ARE TRIGGERING ME!”
No they are not. Even if they are intentionally trying to push your buttons, it is not their fault that your buttons exist. It is not the “other” person’s responsibility to figure out your triggers and walk on eggshells around you to accommodate your narcissistic personality disorder.
Did I trigger you?
Events happen outside of you. Triggers happen inside you. Triggers are your autonomic nervous system response to an event. The event itself is something you likely cannot control, and even then the initial trigger response is involuntary.
Triggers can be anything that spark a response. Some triggers result in mild response, while others result in responses that are out of proportion to the particular situation. Triggers can be linked to past experiences, to insecurities, or to deeply held beliefs. Triggers can also be viewed as protective, an autonomic fight/flight/fawn/freeze response that controls body processes such as blood pressure and breathing rate.
It is important to understand that triggers do not always elicit “negative” response, and not always disproportionate responses. For example, the smell of a perfume might elicit a mood enhancing romantic response, exciting someone towards a romantic encounter. Or a favorite childhood meal may draw out memories of safety and security associated with the playfulness of a child. These triggering responses do not cause harm.
4.a. Examples of triggers
How do I get to anger? Let me count the ways.
~ Rephrase of Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Sonnets of the Portuguese 43
Here are a few thoughts on events and triggers that can result in negative responses leading to anger.
Feelings of or reminders of traumas and unhealed wounds: Events, places, smells, or even sounds can bring back memories of traumatic experiences, triggering intense emotions such as fear, sadness, loneliness, panic, or other anxieties
Feeling criticized or feeling dismissed: Feeling criticized, judged, or dismissed by others can trigger feelings of shame, anger, or insecurity
Feeling unheard or feeling unseen: Feeling ignored, interrupted, or not listened to can trigger feelings of frustration, loneliness, or even rage
Feeling unfairly treated: Witnessing what is interpreted as injustice can trigger anger, frustration, or helplessness
Feelings of shame or guilt: Feeling as though you’ve been caught in something, or feeling called out on something you’ve done
Events leading to triggers are unique to each person. What triggers one person might not affect another. It is also important to realize that the same exact event may trigger two different people in two different ways. Consider a person who has been sexually traumatized, or abandoned as a child, or mistreated by peers. That person is going to react differently to an event or stimulus than someone without those traumas.
4.c. How to handle triggers before they turn to anger
Be grateful for triggers, they point where you are not free
~ Unknown author
A common issue in anger management is a lack of emotional regulation skills.
Let’s take a deeper look at how anger evolves. Anger evolves starting from some event. Something happens, either inside of us (for example, I am lonely, or I am hungry, or I am sleepy), or outside of us (for example, someone cut me off in traffic, or someone yelled at me, or someone disrespected me). Something has to happen in order for anger to brew, something inside of me or outside of me, but something nonetheless.
The “something that happened” may have been recent, or it may be something in the past. For example, childhood sexual trauma has a pattern of showing up later in life.
In handling the trigger, there are multiple opportunities to intercept one’s reaction before it ever becomes anger.
1. Resolve one’s triggers. This involves understanding one’s unconscious mind, to understand why one reacts. Therapy, group therapy, and introspection are all helpful ways to better understand one’s triggers. Sometimes this involves being around people who intentionally “push your buttons”, but this needs to be handled delicately.
2. Address and expose one’s primary emotion like that of being hurt, or afraid, or one’s own low self esteem. For example, if someone yells at you, your response could be, “It hurts me to be yelled at, because it makes me feel unworthy”. This may be difficult to do in the moment, because the autonomic nervous system has kicked in and is working on a fight/flight response.
3. Forgive, get over it, let it go. Allow the event to exist.
4. Accept that the other person didn’t intend to hurt me. Everyone is going through a journey. For example, if you are able to fully accept and understand that the other person’s anger is because of their dysregulation, you may be better able to comfort them in their anger instead of escalating with your own anger. This is exceptionally mature, to be able to sit with someone else in their pain and anger.
5. Accept the anger, then let it go as quickly as possible. Realize though that once it gets to anger it has already had an impact on another person. They’ll see something in the way you look at them, or the time it took to reply to that text, or the smile that doesn’t look quite authentic. The damaging wake behind that sea of anger has already started. At this point, the best that is possible is be honest, be vulnerable, to admit what is going on, to admit that my reaction is not reasonable. Accept that the other person likely already knows something is going on in you, and admit to myself that something is going on in me.
What the Bible says
5. Biblical references to Anger
Some folks enjoy considering religious manuscripts in their analysis of what they believe to be the right thing to do. So let’s consider that. Let’s explore the Bible. What does the Bible say about anger?
5.a. Seek to be kind
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
~ Ephesians 4:31-32:
I find it compelling the writer chose to align anger with slander and malice and clamor, and all of this in opposition to “being kind and tender hearted”.
5.b. Be slow to anger
…let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
~ Proverbs 16:32
Slow to anger. Resolve in oneself that anger may happen, but anger should not be quick to entertain. Seems like healthy advice.
5.c. A place for righteous anger
Silence the silence of the voiceless! Defend the rights of the destitute, every single one! Let outrage fuel your voice for the poor and the needy. Their suffering demands your fight!
~ Proverbs 31:8
The Bible tells us, there is a time for anger. Righteous anger, clearly a time to speak up. It is important to note that righteous anger is motivated by a perception of injustice, not by something personal like an insult.
To thine own vulnerable self and to others be true
6. An alternative to anger: Be vulnerable
This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.
~ Hamlet, Shakespeare
I’ve done some thinking about how to deal with my own angry responses in my own life.
I can’t always stop the trigger, I’m unlikely to even know all my triggers. But there is an alternative to having those triggers grow to anger. That alternative is being vulnerable and expressing how I feel.
6.a. Mr. Rogers understanding of “rage”
“[If I were to rage] that would be more for them than for me”
Mr. Fred Rogers,
Why do we rage? Is it to get something out of us? Or is it to affect other people?
In 1985, Mr. Rogers was being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Mr. Rogers had a position on why he would rage. It had nothing to do with his wellbeing.
The following is paraphrased from the interview.
Question to Mr. Rogers: “Do you ever just cut loose and lose control? Do you ever yell at your wife?”
Mr. Rogers response: “I have a very modulated way of dealing with my feelings. I’ve always been that way. No, I don’t scream. But I think that if I did, that would be more for them than for me.“
Link to Oprah Winfrey interview segment
6.b. Being inauthentically vulnerable
Let’s say someone hurts my feelings. I’ve read a proper response would be something like, “I feel angrywhen you interrupt mebecause it is important to listen to each other.”
But is this true? Is this being vulnerable? How about “It hurts me when you interrupt mebecause it makes me feel disregarded“? Or how about “it hurts mewhen you ignore mebecause it makes me feel unimportant“?
Read these again. You’ll find in self-help groups and forums that these are being vulnerable. But they are not being vulnerable at all. The three statements are accusatory. Truly, they are not vulnerable.
Each of these statements accuse the other person of interrupting and ignoring. These types of statements incite anger in the other person. They are not genuine. They are accusatory and place blame on the other. Then when the other person blows up, the first person can claim, “hey, I expressed my feelings, and they blew up!” The other person interrupted the speaker, or ignored the speaker, and then when confronted with their bad behavior, the other person blew up! Some folks are going to believe the first person speaker, which is only going to exacerbate the issues in recovery.
But this is just not true. these statements are not being vulnerable, they are escalating, derogatory, and accusatory.
6.c. Being genuinely vulnerable
What is more true, what is more genuine, what is more vulnerable, is, “It hurts me when I feel interrupted because it makes me feel disregarded”, or “it hurts me when I feel ignored because it makes me feel unimportant.”
In my own words, it doesn’t matter what happens to you, it only matters how you deal with it.
While I may wish another person to respond in a particular manner, or act a certain way, or do a certain thing, it is unfair to control them in that way. To tell them, “You are never allowed to do anything that I perceive as interrupting me!” They are human, they have personal autonomy in the way they lead their lives, and if you wish to have an authentic relationship with the other person, they cannot be made to feel as though they have to walk on eggshells around you.
6.d. The “other’s” perspective
The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him
Proverbs 18:17
Relationships are complex. Society is complex. Things aren’t always as one perceives.
Why are they doing something that you perceive as ignoring you? Is it simply they disagree with you, and that you haven’t heard them? Is it because they are preoccupied with something in their own life? Is it because they are not prepared to discuss what you demand to discuss?
Let’s take a real life example. Someone has taken you to a play or musical for both of you to enjoy together. You’ve said something to them, and they have not responded. You feel ignored, and that is triggering you. In a vulnerable position, you share with them, “It hurts me when I feel ignored because it makes me feel unimportant.”
With that vulnerable position, can you consider a reasonable response from the other person, “it hurts me when I feel you don’t appreciate the musical I’ve paid to bring you to by continuing to talk during the show”?
Final thoughts
7. Final thoughts
This world, this life, isn’t exact. The dream of perfection is the enemy of the good, and the demand of perfection is the enemy of relationship with others. For anger, practice tolerance for others when they get angry, and do what you can to work on your triggers that lead you to anger. I realize I won’t always be successful in abating my anger, and equally so I accept that others may be angry in my company, and I’ll accept them in their pain as I hope they’ll accept me in mine.
I’ll do my best to give latitude to others, to give space to be imperfect, to accept them where they are in their own anger, to accept their life when I’m able, to create space for when they are not “my own broken interpretation of perfect” but they are their own perfect as much as they are able, right now, today, because they are doing their best to get through this thing called life too, with me, in their own world, and in mine.
Quote: Exposure to hate speech can lead to prejudice, dehumanization, and lack of empathy towards members of outgroups., “Exposure to hate speech deteriorates neurocognitive mechanisms of the ability to understand others’ pain”, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10011534/
Quote: Studies suggest that other people’s moods may be as easy to catch as their germs. You can be infected with someone’s happiness — or sadness., “How emotions, like colds, are contagious”, https://www.eehealth.org/blog/2019/05/emotions-contagious/
I realize that some of us are at a point where we know other people need to change and get well before they can love, before they can be loved, that their path to success is blocked by their trauma, their the issues that have been building for years, so we urge them to fix themselves, for them to get well, for them to figure it out and rid themselves of their inner demons, because we know it is their time for healing, and we know that it is time in their journey to getting well, and we know that healing will finally give them peace in their lives, peace that we know they want, peace that we know they need.
That… is a mighty long single sentence.
And let me pause my thoughts there for a moment.
For me, I’m realizing that their journey is not my onion. I’m realizing that my own onion needs my own hands.
I’m realizing that maybe compassion isn’t my helping other people peel their onion in order to be loved.
I’m realizing that maybe my job, my role in compassion, in peeling my own onion, is to pause. It is to sit with myself, and with others in this life, while they figure out what to do with their own onion.
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This feels… odd. Even though I’ve tried “online dating”, having a web site devoted to my search just feels… odd! But here goes.
At a good friend’s birthday party 2022
As you may have guessed by now, I like to write, and I like to share! Hence why I have web sites, and YouTube channels, and all kinds of avenues to share my writing and my thoughts. So maybe writing and sharing what I’m hoping for — and what I have to offer — is kind of “in line” with my style?
Hiking in the water falls!
Anyway, the online dating sites don’t seem to be helping me find my person. So what are my options? I was thinking a billboard. Put a stylish picture of me up on a billboard somewhere. But where is somewhere? I have my doubts that I’d pick the right city! Or for that matter, the right state. Or even the right country.
So I’m back to… let’s write! Oh golly, where to start?
I am truly looking for my person, the person I’ll spend however many more years of my life with, creating memories with, learning with, hiking with, watching Netflix with, getting old with — okay, acting young with!
The person I’ll make dinner for while I am able, and who may make dinner for me when I can’t. The person who will dance this dance called life with me. The person… my person.
Move your bodies!
I don’t know what you look like, I don’t know your name. But I hope to know you by your spirit. As the songwriter James Taylor says, I am confident I’ll know you by something in the way you move — or in the way you move me.
And I hope you will feel the same for me.
Bowling with my dad 2022
The basics! Age height weight
The easy stuff, and some semi mutable stuff. I was born in the United States fifty five years ago. That makes me… 55! I’m 6’2, around 175 pounds. Now that the basics are out of the way!
With my dad 2022
About exes – there are none in tow!
I’ve never been married, I’m not bringing any exes into this, they are gone, history. I’ve moved on as best someone can. You will not be competing with any of them. Promise!
I am looking for someone who has similar values, where exes belong in one’s history, not remaining permanent fixtures in one’s future. I’m certainly not looking for someone who is best friends with their exes. In fact, I’m looking to be someone’s best friend.
At “Jesus Christ Superstar” in Miami 2022
About vacationing with my partner – always say yes!
A few months ago I was talking with my dad after a rather interesting revelation he shared with me about love. It seems recently I had the opportunity of hearing folks saying how they vacation by themselves, and vacation with their friends, and when they have time they’ll vacation with their partner — that their thoughts are to vacation, and then to return to their partner to tell them all about the things they’ve done, without their partner.
So I told my dad about these “vacationing without one’s partner” thing. My 95 year old dad looked at me side eye and laughed a bit, and said, “Son, why would you want to go on vacation without the person you love, why wouldn’t you want to make those memories with the one you love?” The whole experience got me truly thinking about love — and writing about it.
Prioritize your partner
So today I’ll take a stand. I am not one to focus on “vacationing with my friends without my person”. I am interested in vacationing with my person — and other people are more than welcome to join us! Let’s make some memories together, here, or somewhere else.
Hiking in Fort Myers
About politics & religion – love one another
I have a heart for homeless and immigrants, and for others who are marginalized, who have no voice. For what it is worth, I spent most of my life as someone who believed “You don’t work you don’t eat”. God and circumstance changed me deeply.
Costa Rica 2021
Today my religion is that of kindness, as best as I’m able to do so. To quote Dalai Lama,
“My Religion is Kindness. This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness”.
Dalai Lama
I hope to find someone who makes me a better person tomorrow than I am today, and I hope to be that influence on you in this life, and the next.
About fitness and exercise – let’s sweat!
Being physically fit is important. I’m not a gym rat, but walking and jogging and getting outdoors is important to me.
Hanging out in downtown — wish you were here!
Let’s plan to walk or hike or jog or run a few times a week, to urban hike when we are in a new city, to hike in the mountains when we vacation (or move!) there, to find activities to get our heart rate up! Time to adventure!
Swinging my life away in Asheville North Carolina
About monogamy – I am
I am interested in a monogamous long term relationship.
In case you are wondering, I have not “tried” polyamory, and I’m not really interested in doing so. I would prefer to send my affections to a single person, and receive them from a single person.
We only have fifty years left, I’m not really interested in diluting it.
Parks and recreations in 2022
About smarts and education – not sure it is important
Education is cool! Caring for homeless and immigrants is “cooler still”. For me, I have a master’s degree in computer engineering, with a thesis targeting artificial intelligence. How does it help me with my mission of kindness? Well, I’m not sure it does. It does reflect on how my mind works though. And I suppose it is a reminder of who I was, when I was.
Hanging n my hammock after an enjoyable canoe trip 2022
About looks – a tough one
Okay, a tough one. You must be good looking. Why? Because one or the other of us has to be better looking, and I pick you.
Key Largo dinner 2022
About emotional availability – a difficult one
I am emotionally willing to admit that I’m working on myself, and hope that my person will help me be a better person tomorrow than the person I am today. I hope you feel the same!
Going to dinner with some friends 2022
About money – the love of money
They say money problems cause a lot of divorce and destruction in relationships. I think it is true. It isn’t only about “having it” or “not having it” though. I understand a lot of arguments deal with style of spending and what one finds important — or not important. It turns out a lot goes into money, and deciding how to spend it.
On the basics of money, I have no debt, I take care of my finances. My unwritten budget is made easier by having a reasonable income. I’d appreciate someone who manages their finances well.
This life, this world, is made more difficult for folks who do not have a lot. I’ve done okay for myself, in part because I was fortunate enough to be in a field that pays well enough. For what it is “worth”, I really don’t like that I love money, and I’m sure god don’t own a car.
That all said, I have found that I appreciate glamorous vacations. I also appreciate low cost vacations. I also appreciate staycations. One conclusion I have made is it is more about “who I am with” rather than “where I am at”.
Publix donuts yum!
About location – flexibility!
I currently live in South Florida, but most importantly I am relocatable! I would prefer my next move to either be with my person, or for my person! All things are negotiable.
Dinner with my dad 2022
La vie dansante – the dancing life
The dancing life — dance this metaphorical dance of life with me! Swing dancing, Latin dancing, a Waltz, whatever this dance looks like, I am ready, and I am willing! Following a cue from Jimmy Buffett, will you wander and follow La Vie Dansante with me?
Kayaking in the Florida Everglades 2022
About marriage – I do
Marriage. Okay. I’m going there. In my opinion, a successful dating experience will hopefully wind up as… marriage.
I know there are quite a few folks in the world who “want a companion” or “want a long term relationship” or “want a traveling companion” or whatever you want. I wish to be married one day, like with a paper and everything, and I want to work through issues in dating to wind up in a place where both of us want to be married, to each other.
Venezuelan hotdog in Miami 2023
About referrals – matchmaker, there’s a finders fee!
It has been my pleasure sharing, and thank you for reading! I truly appreciate it! That said, if you are not my person, but you are thinking hey, this fellow might be a good match for someone else, then know that there is a finders fee and reward! Reward is negotiable, and will absolutely include a trip with us somewhere!
My birthday party in Miami 2022
Thanks for sticking in here with reading my “dating bio”. If you have recommendations please send them my way! And truly, if you think you are my person, I am so very much looking forward to meeting you.
Hello dear reader! What’s going on you ask? Well thank you for asking. Bear with me a bit, it might sound like ramblings, but I really am trying to make a point.
In this life I believe practice makes perfect. I think you need to practice who you wish to be, in order to be a better you tomorrow. And I think it is reasonable to have an idea of who you wish to be tomorrow, and to “send it” to the universe and to god to help you be that person tomorrow. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m okay with sending good things today even if I am wrong. Each time you write this “letter of good words” on your heart to share with others, you get a little better at writing those letters of good words. Each time you write those good words to people, to the universe, to god, you write on your heart who you are, and who you are trying to be. You aren’t writing what you “demand” of someone else or something else, you are writing who you are, and who you are trying to be.
There is always hope
In terms of finding your soul’s mate, the more you write it on your heart, the more likely you will be able to be that person you wish to see in someone else. To see the reflection of your soul in someone else. To see your soul’s mate.
For me, “sending it” includes doing for others, helping others, especially those who have no voice. Feeding those who are without a home, and tending to children of every age 1 to 100 (autism comes to mind) are my two sticks in the mud, the two things that are in my swim lane at the moment. Other people who I respect take care of animals, or defend the rights of immigrants. Immigrants is a group with whom I feel deeply connected. My mother was an immigrant, and just now I am realizing I am a first generation United States citizen. So thank you to everyone who takes care of others. I love you for that.
Anyway, this is what brought all this up right now. I bought some pillow cases recently. On the package is this poem:
“I would like to sing someone to sleep, have someone to sit by and be with. I would like to softly sing, be your companion while you sleep or wake. I would like to be the only person in the house who knew: The night outside was cold.”
~~ a portion of a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke on NTBAY’s pillow cases
Keeping someone “warm from the cold” is so much more than cold. It is not about the temperature outside. The cold harshness of this world. I would like to be the only person in our relationship that knows that life outside is hard, it is harsh. I want you to feel safe. I want you to not have to concern yourself with this world, only with the pleasantness of being warm, with me. The world isn’t always a pleasant place, and I never want you to feel the harshness of the world. Gosh. That’s… without words. At least to me.
A canoe, drifting alone
This singing opportunity wasn’t exactly my wish, and I know some of you who have heard me sing might think no one would want me to sing them to sleep. But it truly got me thinking about our short lives here on earth. I think singing to our partner should be part of our dance, it should be part of each of our lives. When we were children, some of us were fortunate enough to have someone who would sing us to sleep, who would protect us from this world. And those of us who didn’t, maybe that is something that was missing in our lives. Consider it, what a magical thing to do for the person you love. To sing them to sleep.
And maybe this is true. When you meet your soul’s mate, you will want the very last thing you hear to be their voice. The voice of your soul’s mate. The voice of the person who loves you. The voice of the person who your soul knows is yours.
Because one day soon enough, you will not wake up from your sleep.
And that voice of your soul’s mate singing to you, singing you to your last sleep, will be the very last sound you ever hear in this world. And that voice will be with you. Forever.
“… and miles to go before I sleep …” from Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, BY Robert Frost
“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.”
~~ Plato
As others have also done and maybe even you, I’ve spent my share of money trying to resolve relationship battles. I’ve tried individual counseling, “Christian” counseling, couples counseling where you go once a week or whatever cadence, and even marathon counseling.
Tens of thousands of dollars later? Yeah, I’m still single.
Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love
— Hamlet. Act II, scene 5
Gottman sunset
The most expensive was a fifteen thousand dollar weekend on a “Gottman Marathon” relationship counseling. In this three day “intensive” Zoom program (yeah, not even a HIPAA compliant platform, it was a Zoom session), the counselor asks questions here and there, then spends time with each person individually.
In my program, one of the steps is that the counselor tried to get each person to process empathy. It didn’t go so well. According to the counselor, my partner had a problem processing empathy. On one of the counselor’s “one on one’s” with me, he mentioned histrionics and how my partner is able to “cry without tears”. As I’m asking about what he means, he says, “Well, you can’t discount pathology”. Really? That’s what I’m left with? You can’t discount pathology? Fifteen thousand dollars later and “you can’t discount pathology” is the conclusion? What does that even mean? For what it is worth, when I think of pathology, I think of Phineas P. Gage who had a railroad spike driven up through his head and skull.
Anyway, on Gottman, I would not recommend it. Maybe if you have a better trained coach or something, but golly, the three days were tiringly useless. Use that money for a vacation, to make memories with each other, to create a common experience.
Tacopsychology
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.
Aristotle, Greek philosopher, 384bce – 322bce
Taco Tuesday counseling
Then there is this other kind of counseling. I don’t exactly know what it is called. I’m going to call it “Tacopsychology”. My dad and I have tacos and beer on Tuesday nights. It is a pilgrimage! A wonderful time we have shared for many months, for many years. My dad is a non emotive person, so really it is just… Tacos and Beer, a shared experience, sometimes with other people joining us. It is a pleasant time, and a time I look forward to every week. But it is largely not emotional. Until… it was.
This one particular night in 2022, a few weeks after spending fifteen thousand dollars on a weekend for the already mentioned “useless for us” Gottman marathon, I guess my dad could tell I was hurting over this recent love. As I mentioned, he is a great guy, funny, laughs at jokes sometimes, and truly non emotive, so I really don’t ask him anything about life, or love. Then out of the blue, my dad told me what love is.
My 94 year old non emotive dad tells me, “Son, love is when it hurts to not be with the other person.“
That’s it. That’s all he said. He didn’t add anything to it, just took a drink from his beer. I’m left with my head exploding, going back to… I could have used that fifteen thousand dollar Gottman weekend money for shared experiences and a wonderful vacation building memories with my partner.
What are “we” doing this weekend?
In love, one and one are one.
Jean-Paul Sartre, French philosopher, 1905-1980
Peninsula Papagayo, Costa Rica
After my shock subsided — it was a pleasant shock, I was truly appreciative of my dad’s comment, and I was letting it sink in — my dad went on a bit. My dad explained to me if you have to “ask” to be on someone’s calendar, it is something other than love. At some point, a relationship becomes “you are my calendar, whatever else comes second.” The person will want to be with you because it hurts to not be with you, and you will want to be with them because it hurts to not be with them.
Seems a bit rhetorical. Kind of. But let me add some context here. This relationship I had gone through with Gottman that my dad was counseling me on, she was never responsible for the wellbeing of the other person in prior relationships, nor was the other person ever responsible for her. Almost all of them had real girlfriends, other lovers, even wives. The catch was, in these types of “vacation sex” relationships, the other person never requires a commitment from her either. So she was free to do whatever she wanted to do with whoever she wanted to do it with. So my partner explained how she believed prioritizing her friends over the relationship, including having separate vacations with her friends, was the most important things to her, and she expected me to have separate vacations as well.
This “separate but equal” thing is not my thing. It doesn’t work. For what it is worth, separate but equal doesn’t work in racial segregation either. And this likely won’t be my thing. At least I’m thinking it won’t be my thing. I’ve got what, a couple dozen years left, if I’m lucky? I’m thinking, shouldn’t I want to create memories with my partner? Why would I want to go on a vacation with my “real” friends and leave my partner behind? Shouldn’t I want to bring my partner with me? To that end and more, why wouldn’t I want to bring my partner with me? In the end, I hope that the last breaths I take will be thinking of my person, and the memories that I’ve made with her.
Absence makes the heart go wander
Absence – that common cure of love.
Lord George Gordon Byron, 1788 – 1824
Weathering the storm
Bear with me, because I’m coming back to my dad’s additional comments. After this “separate but equal” partnership was over, after tens of thousands of dollars in counseling, and after my dad tells me about what love is, I am sharing with a friend of mine about what my dad says about love. I tell her that my dad says love is when it hurts to not be with the person you love. I didn’t mention anything about my recent relationship, nothing about separate vacations, nothing other than the one statement that love is when it hurts to not be with your person. She reacted. She said something like, “well, you mean you miss them so much you can’t wait to see them when you get back from your alone time with your friends, right?”
I was in shock! Two women in succession that feel the same way? This can’t be happening! Is this why there is so much divorce in this country? Is this why polyamory is a centerpiece discussion in many new relationships? Is this what partnerships look like? Partnerships are “intersection relationships” of life, where we only see each other when our lives intersect?
I’m heartbroken!
So the next day I go for a walk with my dad. I tell him this new mystery of life about Separate but Equal and vacationing alone, without your partner. He laughed at me! Really, my non emotive dad laughed at me!
I asked my dad, “Why are you laughing at me?”
He says, “Son, why would you want to go on vacation without the person you love, why wouldn’t you want to make those memories with the one you love?”
And then it started sinking in. Love. Love isn’t just an act. Love isn’t just an action. Love isn’t even a decision. Love isn’t a response. Love is a lifestyle.
I don’t know that I have ever been in a mutually beneficial relationship, one where I was the other person’s number one priority, and that she were my number one priority. Sure, there were moments of being a priority in the other person’s life, but number one?
Number one. Even above self.
That’s a tall order that I don’t think I’ve experienced.
Spinning ’round on the big blue marble
Love does not alter the beloved, it alters itself.
Looking back on my fifty five times around the sun, spinning on this blue marble we call earth, these two simple thoughts from my dad was overwhelming and truly… painful… to… hear.
It was like, why didn’t I learn this when I was twelve? Is it really that simple? How did I miss this basic education?
And at the same time, it was truly the most hopeful thing I had heard in my tens of thousands of dollars spent on counseling. So very hopeful.
Make room in your heart. Love the journey.
My take away
The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.
Walter Benjamin, German Jewish philosopher, 1892 – 1940
My take away is today, make time for your person. Make memories with the one you love. Cherish every moment you have with them.
At some point, one of you will be dead. And even while you live, you will never have today’s moments again.
I wound up being challenged to a 28 day Post Challenge, and this is day 1. This post is going to be more or less a journal of my day, with a few things added in here and there. So here goes!
Reflection of the day
Woke up this morning the house was cold, check the furnace she wasn’t burning. Went out and hopped in my old Ford, hit the engine but she ain’t turning
I’m at the end of my day, reflecting on the start and end. Have you had those days where you just wonder what happened to the time? It is already the middle of April, and I wonder how I’ve slipped off track. When I reflect on my year so far, I’m not excited about the “progress in life” that I’ve experienced. No, more importantly, I’m not excited about what I’ve given back to life. I guess the next 27 days is going to include some of this reflection from time to time.
Oh I should mention. That primary photo on this post, the sunrise photo overlooking the bow of the Sea Vee 340Z? While that is how I’d like to spend every morning, it is not the picture of today. It was just in the memory of my mind’s eyes.
Morning
Woke up this morning with the sun shining, the birds singing, the flowers flowering. Yeah, not so much!
But I did wake up to the morning sun. It was refreshing! Spent some time with my dad, a few health issues going on that I don’t wish to get into. Took my shower, dressed, and drove my hour to work. What is up with that? A whole hour to work every day, a whole hour back home. I just didn’t expect that by my early 50s I’d still be working for someone else. But this is my lot in life, and my toil under the sun.
As some of you know, I’ve been working on my cholesterol…again. It spiked up! No fun. So, every day during the week I get my Magic Oatmeal fix.
Breakfast! Oatmeal, water, banana, and coffee
Breakfast consisted of Oatmeal, water, banana, and coffee. The Oatmeal was plain, I’ve gotten to where I can down the oatmeal with nothing in it! Coffee was shot up with sugar. 🙁
Coffee-mate — this is loaded with sugar, and as we know sugar is no good
I am a policy and standards professional, largely focused on population health and cyber security. My work day consists of reading, analyzing, and writing to expand the craft. Today was focused on PCI (Payment Card Industry) policies, and achieving PCI certification for a large healthcare organization.
This morning was focused on how to get a lot of my work completed in the next two months. My plan is to take a vacation in June, probably going somewhere out of the United States. So I’m tightly constrained on my time! Largely this effort is going to rely on other people that do not work for me, always an encouraging part of life.
Mid day lunch
Spending a few hours with a great coworker and fantastic boss, I was ready for lunch. My colleage and I have found an unbelievable opportunity at Whole Foods! No lie, Whole Foods, with good prices and great food. But, you have to know what to look for.
In this case, we went to grab tacos from our favorite taco barista Brian! Five bucks, and he definitely gives us a great taco. I have a 1pm meeting, so I have to go a little earlier than normal. We get to Whole Foods, and …. no Brian! Oh no! We ask around, I talk with a few folks that I know, and it turns out that Brian hasn’t been heard from, and he lives alone. I hope he is okay.
Well, after waiting about half hour, we decide to get the second best thing in the building, salmon!
Salmon, loaded with Garlic, blackening, and key lime juice!
Unbelievably, Whole Foods will actually cook your salmon while you wait! This filet is around 9 ounces, and is absolutely delicious. Oh but wait, there is more!
0.62 pounds for $6.19 !
This high protein meal cost me six bucks! Unbelievably delicious.
Through the day I have another banana, and a couple of apples. Not really a lot of food.
End of the afternoon
Tuesday afternoon, I’m just beginning to see, now I’m on my way It doesn’t matter to me, chasing the clouds away. Something, calls to me, The trees are drawing me near, I’ve got to find out why? Those gentle voices I hear, explain it all with a sigh.
Moody Blues, Tuesday Afternoon
And finally… Time to go home! I get to drive my hour home. Today is no different, still an hour to get home. I wind up spending most of it talking with my friend Joe, who has decided to join me for dinner! Rick and Nikki are also going to be there, and I invited my dad.
We go to a Taco Tuesday place near where we live. I wind up with four chicken tacos. I’m suddenly glad I wound up with Salmon for lunch!
Hole in the wall Taco Tuesday
And they have this rule. To get the tacos, you have to buy some kind of drink. I’m trying to not drink, so I decide to get a Coca Cola. Terrible sugar content. I mean, really terrible. Not good for my cholesterol.
Big black vehicle with tinted windows
A peculiar thing happened again tonight. It seems the last few weeks I’ve seen these large black vehicles wherever I go. Here’s another, a large black SUVs, dark tinted windows, and always super clean, as though they are washed every single day. What is up with that?
Evening (Time to Get Away)
Evening has come to pass, The time of day doesn’t last. Evening, has earned its place today, I’m tired of working away. Working, living it brings, Only way to have those things. Toiling has bought too many tears, Turn ’round all those past years. Evening time to get away. ‘Til next day.
The Moody Blues, Evening (Time to get away)
So now it is 11pm. I spent some time with Mailjet, seems as though this web site is having problems sending through Mailjet. And sadly, I’m a Mailjet evangelist! I spent an hour trying to fix it, to no avail.
I know, this has been a pretty boring post. You’ll have to deal with it for now!
I’m going to spend a few minutes fixing this page, then going to sleep for the night. Tomorrow, if God gives me breath, will be another day. I want to wake early and get a HIIT in. I haven’t exercised since Saturday!!!! 🙁
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night. I hate to go and leave this pretty sight! So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu, Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu! So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen, I´d like to stay and taste my first champagne! So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye! I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye, The sun has gone to bed and so must I … Goodbye!
I’ve been awake since 7am. It is almost midnight. Total time awake? Seventeen hours. Total time getting ready for work, at work, driving to and from work? Almost 12 hours (7 am until 630pm). That left me five hours for all of my life, including this blog post.
Tomorrow I will get up and do this all again… except for a few things differently.
Will exercise tomorrow morning! I will do some type of HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training). More on this later
Sail racing requires coordination among the crew, significant communication during the race, and planning. Lots of planning. Quite regularly, the positions on a racing sailboat are clearly identified but poorly defined. Things happen quickly during a race — even on a slow sailing vessel! In order to keep everyone safe, and at the same time make sure the boat can “go fast!”, it is important that everyone understand their particular roles and responsibilities, and also understand the roles of the other players involved. Even beyond that, though, communication is ultimately important to win any race!(more…)
