“I attribute my success to this: I never gave or took any excuse.”
~ Florence Nightingale
Most of us say we want to be better. It’s easy to say “we want growth!” What is far more difficult is accepting that growth requires taking responsibility and accountability for how we live and interact with others today.
Consider, why did we start down this road at all? What was broken? What was unmanageable? What finally convinced us that something had to change?
Faith groups, self reflection, therapy, counseling, and vulnerability with people who challenge and shape us can all contribute to growth. These spaces talk endlessly about childhood wounds. And yes, understanding our wounds matters. They often expose our triggers.
Man in the (Broken) Mirror
But realizations about our past do not result in repair. Somewhere along the way, explanations replaced accountability. What starts as understanding quietly turns into exemption.
Many of us have reached a point where we at least in part understand how our childhood shaped us. That phase called understanding is often where people stop. It is convenient.
Embracing radical responsibility as adults is treated as optional — an aspiration instead of the goal. Therapy becomes a shield instead of a tool. Insight becomes a defense. The past becomes our excuse, used to justify our toxic behavior instead of examining them. Trauma-informed language is used to bypass the discomfort of making amends and changing habits.
Adverse interactions and experiences are often contributed to by both or many parties, not solely a single person. We participate. We escalate. We revert to childish patterns and blame it on something we claim to not control, or blame it on other people. It isn’t just uncalled for outbursts. Sometimes those childish patterns are pauses that are nothing more than passive aggressive silent treatments. Understanding our triggers does not excuse how we act. Rather, it demands that we act differently, even in the presence of similar triggers. That responsibility is ours.
As a Ferris wheel goes round and round without making progress, so do many people spin through relationships without changing. “You are triggering me!” becomes a flag of honor to dismiss our problem, instead of a flag demanding self examination. Understanding is neither repair nor resolution. The only way toward betterment is radical accountability.
Take away
Take responsibility. Own your actions. Your childhood may explain patterns, but it does not excuse behavior. It does not excuse how you treat others, and it does not excuse how you show up to yourself and to others in your own life.
Understanding our past doesn’t redeem us. How we choose to behave today does.
References
- “Children and Trauma – Update for Mental Health Professionals”, American Psychological Association, https://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/update.pdf
- “Therapy Center – What is Therapy”, Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/therapy
- “Time to Form a Habit: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis of Health Behaviour Habit Formation and its Determinants”, National Library of Medicine, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11641623/
- “How to Escape the Cycle of Negative Thinking”, Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/trial-triumph/202107/how-escape-the-cycle-negative-thinking
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