“Your nervous system doesn’t heal by understanding the past. It heals through enough safe and loving experiences that contradict the past.” ~ Mastin Kipp
Around my birthday in March, someone “challenged” me on why I attend a group that has become family to me. I thought it was an odd question, but deserving of an answer.
I’ve expressed a few times, probably in a rambling way like a child might who didn’t have the words, that I believe we are healed in Community, with others, that we are healed in Relationship, with others. We aren’t healed by processing whatever happened to us, nor by taking notes at “class”, but by experiencing an abundant life with other human beings, in Community.
I tried to express this on my birthday, with gratitude for a birthday sash, and a welcoming gesture of standing with me, and making sure to welcome each of us every day, and with knowing each of you in a very special way. I don’t see you every day, but I think of this community often.
The quote from Mastin Kipp popped up recently. Had I had the words, I could have expressed more succinctly why I show up. While I find the quote a bit incomplete, it goes a long way.
For example, I do believe the “bookwork” of unpacking our past is necessary, and that a compassionate inquiry into the past is what makes us capable of receiving safe and loving experiences in the first place.
It’s like learning a new skill, like math, or riding a motorcycle, or becoming a pilot. Like, we can understand mechanics of flight from books, we can conceptually grasp ground effect, maneuvering speed, and velocity never exceed, and those things are absolutely required to fly safely. You have to successfully pass ground school bookwork before you get your license, it gives you the language to communicate within the community of aviation.
But reading a book isn’t the same as pushing through your first wet cloud, or recovering from the violence of going upside down in a spin. That ground school book alone won’t get our wings, just as understanding our past alone doesn’t heal. We need to understand how to exist in community.
We need that bookwork to stabilize us so that we can more safely experience new life. That insight about our past gives us self-awareness to tolerate the discomfort of new experiences without fleeing, fawning, fighting, or crashing the plane.
Each new experience gives our nervous system evidence of what bookwork isn’t designed to do. New experiences make us resilient, and help us see that there is a safe way to land that plane, without chaos, without pain.
And that’s why I show up every week.